Inhale...Exhale...Rub the tummy...

Every day of this pregnancy has been a milestone for me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about one thing or another. With my other pregnancies, I was never monitored so closely and never knew so much about what was happening with baby or with my body. I knew what I had to know and I had two healthy boys. I've since come to the conclusion that knowing is both a blessing and a curse.

I once had a desire to study midwifery. I still think it would be an amazing job but I don't feel I'm in a position to pursue it now. I am beyond fascinated with the way a woman's body works and how a baby grows. I truly believe that if this were a career path I chose to follow, I would be eternally happy. If only I could.

In 137 days, or less I will be looking into a beautiful set of eyeballs and squishing some pretty adorable cheeks. Today is day 143. A few times a day I feel the little booger moving around in there, reminding me that all is well.  When I don't feel him moving around, I get a little...preoccupied, to say the least. After the ultrasound on March 6th I tried not to worry as much since I know my placenta is in front. That makes it much harder to feel. As my Dr. put it, if you knock on the door you can hear it both inside and outside the room. But if you put a mattress up over the door and knock on it, the mattress will absorb the sound. That is very frustrating. I felt Caleb and Gabe both kicking like crazy at this point so it's hard not to worry a little. I've noticed when I do feel this baby kick, I feel it more on the right, which is where he's been this whole pregnancy. I found out at today's ultrasound that my placenta is on the left and in the front, but not completely. I should be able to feel much more movement in the coming days. I can't wait!! They also measured the cyst on baby's brain today. It's still there and hasn't shrunk much but Dr. is hopeful that it will be gone by or before delivery. He's very optimistic, which makes this momma feel much relief!! I realized after doing some research and hearing what the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. said that it wasn't a lot to be concerned about. Dr. Hnat said that he would leave it up to my OB how often to do an ultrasound, to check on the cyst. Today, my OB said he is going to treat my pregnancy as a normal pregnancy and see me in 4 weeks to do a follow up ultrasound. The relief I felt hearing him say that was immeasurable! There was, however, one other thing he discussed with me. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid.  They use a scale of 5-20 for normal readings. My amniotic fluid was at 22.  I asked him what that could mean and his answer somewhat confused me. He said it could be a lot of things. But the only 'thing' he mentioned was that baby could be peeing a lot. He said that the amount of fluid changes regularly, throughout the pregnancy and the next time they check it, it could be significantly lower. Just when I could feel the tears in my eyes starting to well up he said that he wasn't particularly concerned about that either, but he'd keep an eye on it. Overall, I left the office feeling pretty good. There will always be a small amount of worry and fear until I have this precious baby in my arms (and then a whole new set of fears will begin!). But generally, I felt relieved and happy.

As you may have guessed, the first thing I did when I got to work was jump on the internet. What I found is that many Dr's. consider a normal range for amniotic fluid from 5-25. At least I'm within THAT range. Right? I also did some reading about what could cause it to be high and I really shouldn't have done that. Maternal diabetes, twins, chromosomal abnormalities, or a problem with the baby where he can't swallow amniotic fluid. I really hope he's just peeing a lot. But at this point I can rule out twins. This 'condition', having too much amniotic fluid is called polyhydramnios. It can make other pregnancy symptoms feel much worse, like indigestion, heart burn, constipation, swollen legs, varicose veins and stretch marks. It also contributes to the difficulty in feeling baby move around.  Although this is one more thing to worry about, I'm glad my Dr. told me about it. Blessing? Curse? Both, I think. For now, I'll just trust Dr. Gibbs and hope for more kicks until I can see baby again.

I'm sure there will be many other moments that take my breath away, good and bad, before this little bundle arrives. I tend to be the worrisome kind, so I know this. But for every day that goes by, I am one day closer to meeting him. Hugs and kisses, Baby Boy Silver. We got this.

Milestones...more like pebbles...

We made it! On to the shopping!!!

As it pertains to the testing I recently underwent, I'm going to take you through the entire process. If you don't want to know, stop reading now. If you do, grab a chair and get comfy. It might take a minute. ;-)

I decided a couple weeks ago to go ahead and have the Quad screen done, as you know. Honestly, I don't think I put much thought into any outcome other than a good one. Maybe that's what saved my sanity. I don't know. 

The Quad screen is just that, a screen. It will tell you what the possibility is that you could be carrying a child with Down's, Spina Bifida, Trisomy 18 or other chromosome abnormalities. It doesn't just look at the results from the blood test but other factors like the mother's age, ethnicity, etc. The results of this screen will tell Dr.s whether or not it's necessary to do further testing. There are other blood tests out there that are more accurate but they are not standardized tests and will likely not be covered by insurance.  I looked into it and depending on the lab that I use and the test that they do, it would cost between $400-$600.  I opted out of that test. My quad screen gave me a 1:25 chance of having a child with Down's.

We talked a lot about how we felt about the possibility of having a child with chromosome abnormalities of any kind. Yes, it would definitely be hard. It would be somewhat of a lifestyle change for us. I think the most difficult part would be not hurting for that child who would have to face more adversity than the average child because of cruel kids at school and even adults that just don't understand. As mother's we are our children's number one ally. We instinctively do what we do for our children, without waver. It would be no different if I had a child who was a little different from my other children. I would still love that child, unconditionally, with every fiber of my being. I don't believe in abortion and know for a fact that I couldn't live with any decision to terminate. I just couldn't. That would be a much more difficult battle than raising a child with any kind of disability. In my opinion, it would be selfish, in a way. I will never give up on my children for any reason. After all the heartache these last few years with miscarriages and loss, this baby is nothing short of a miracle. And that is how I will treat him, forever.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m.  Shortly after registration was complete we went back to meet with the genetic specialist. She was amazingly kind. She went through our entire family history from our grandparents to our cousins. After she created a chart and went over a few things with us she said that she saw no reason to believe that this baby would have any chromosome abnormalities. That was our first moment to catch a breath. The geneticist went over the markers that they look for in the ultrasound that was about to be performed. There are so many things they look at! The geneticist said that they would only suggest further testing (amniocentesis) if they found any high or mid level markers or 3 or more 'soft' markers.  Our baby had no signs/markers to be concerned about. They look at the fold of skin at the back of the neck that often goes down the spine. Cause for concern is a measurement over 6mm, our baby's was less than 2mm. They look at the heart valves. They look to see whether baby has a nasal bone and what the length is. They look at upper arm and leg bones and spots on the heart. They look for extra fluid in the kidneys. All these things are not things that insure the baby will have Down's. A lot of normal babies have them too.  But if you have several, then they like to do further testing to get a more accurate result for whether or not your baby has Down's. I wanted to get this genetic counseling and ultrasound because I wanted more information. This was the least invasive way to get it. There are a lot of people that would go ahead and do Amniocentesis to get a better, more trustworthy result.  My reasoning for not getting it was that there were no markers and there is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage with Amniocentesis. I've been down that road and it's a less than 1% chance I'm not willing to take. On to the ultrasound....

We were so amazed, once again, to see how much our little peanut had grown!! 

Although the ultrasound took about an hour I didn't want her to stop! Our ultrasound tech was amazing, as well. So sweet!! She talked to us the entire time, telling us what she was measuring. Baby is 9 oz. already! He was moving all over but very cooperative at the same time. She was able to get everything she needed and printed out a few pictures for us. We were very anxious to hear what the Dr. said and very nervous but excited throughout the procedure. Then, when I was about to start crying at the beautiful sight of baby moving around and looking so perfect, he decided to give us the 'thumb's up', I'm convinced to let us know everything was going to be ok. 

I swear it really sent some sort of calm through me. Barry and I made eye contact and I think he had the same 'feeling' I did. What a sweet little gesture. 

We had to wait about 45 minutes to an hour to see the Dr. in a small waiting area no bigger than a phone booth. Ok, it was a little bigger than that. But it was just this cozy little nook off the hall and I kept watching all the couples and mother's walking back and forth, some full of joy, other's with the look of sheer terror on their face. It was quite the nail biting experience. Dr. Gnat finally called us in to the 'consult' room. First, he went over the same things the geneticist went over with us about my quad results, what they mean, what other types of testing there are and what they were looking for in the ultrasound. He explained in a little more detail about the Amniocentesis and other DNA testing that is available, but pricey. I'm glad he did that before he gave us the 'results' or I may not have listened so intently. The Amnio could give us about a 90% accurate answer about whether or not the baby has Down's. But he was also clear about the fact that it was 100% up to us. He started with the numbers. He gave us our baby's measurements and then he gave us the standard they use to measure. Basically he told us that all our baby's measurements were within the normal range. There were no markers because all the measurements were right where they should be for a normal, healthy baby. He did say that sometimes even good results like this result in a baby with some chromosome abnormalities, but it's not often. He showed us some of the photos that the tech took of the organs and bones. Though we were there when she was taking them, it was nice to see them still, on the screen, and have the Dr. point out exactly what she measured and what our baby's measurements were.  He has all his little fingers and toes, all the bones are there, where they should be. Nothing is missing. Nothing is abnormally sized. There was no spots on his beautiful, perfect little heart. His arm and leg bones were perfect. His nose bone was present and measuring perfect. His spine was amazing. His stomach was perfect. His liver was perfect. His head measured perfect. He had awesome looking blood flow to and from the heart and to and from the placenta. His heart rate was 144. His umbilical cord was attached right where it should be with beautiful blood flow. His little butt is so tiny!!! Dr. mentioned that he had a small chin, which is not a big deal and probably just harder to see at this stage. Gabe had a small chin, still does. We could see his little ears!! They are just holes with little flaps of skin forming right now, but beautiful, nonetheless. His brain hemisphere's measured perfect but he did have a little dark spot on the right side. It's called a Choroid Plexus Cyst. They are not uncommon in healthy or DS babies but Dr. Gnat didn't seem worried in the slightest. He said they'll keep an eye on it but that it should go away by the time we give birth. If not, that's okay too. It doesn't ever seem to cause a problem. It was a little worrisome to me because I'd never heard of it before.  And a cyst on the brain sounds like a pretty serious issue if you ask me! But I trust him. From what I'm told and from everything I've read (you could accurately refer to me as a walking fetal encyclopedia these days), he's quite the amazing expert in this area. I just loved this guy!! He told us again that we will always have the option for Amnio, if we want it. He smiled a lot, congratulated us, and wished us the best and asked us one last time, "so, do you want the amnio?" And when we answered "no", he said, "Ok, I didn't think you would". He also told us that he would forward his findings and reports to Dr. Gibbs, my OB. He said he was including a recommendation for me to have ultrasounds every 2-4 week, either in Dr. Gibbs office or there at the hospital. You won't hear me complaining about this because I live for any opportunity to see this little guy growing big and strong!! 

Barry and I were somewhat speechless for the first few minutes after we left the 'consult' room. But I knew when we made eye contact that we were on the same page. "THANK GOD" was about all I could say. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! We got to the car and talked a little about how amazing it was to see baby again and to get such wonderful news. We counted our blessings, for sure. We also decided that we are switching hospitals for delivery. I was going to deliver at Flower, but I've decided to switch to Toledo. It makes sense. It's the Children's Hospital. They have the best specialists in a 500 mile radius or something ridiculous like that. And it's where all our other kids were born. Why break tradition, right? Oh, and most importantly, Dr. Gibbs delivers there too. Yay!!

So here we are. We made it through a pretty stressful week and a half and our dumpling is doing fabulous!! As much as I worried that my body was more ready for menopause than pregnancy, I think we're doing okay. My diet is pretty good....not that I'm on a diet...I just mean I'm doing good following the rules of pregnancy eating. lol No caffeine (except for small traces in some of the food I eat), not too much sugar, no lunch meat unless it's heated (okay, I cheated once and had a turkey sub...and we survived), small, frequent meals, little to no red meat or pork (only because it still makes me sick), lots of fruits and veges, lots of H2O, prego vitamins every day (the gummies, because they're yummy and better on my digestive system!), and a whole lot of rubbing the tummy and talking to baby. He has ears and can hear now, y'all!! He the size of a mango! Actually, according to the charts online, he's already half an ounce bigger than the average 19 week old baby. Yep, 19 weeks...tomorrow!!! Woo hoo! Time to get excited!!!

Let's do this, baby boy Silver!! We got this!