What a ride it's been.
My baby shower is in 6 days and I feel so unorganized. I'm worried about how I'll feel, physically. I guess it's a good thing I have so many loving, helping hands that plan to be around for it!!
The Sciatica is still here. Some days are better than others, but that sharp pain that turns into spasms and radiating pain for hours or days just won't go away. I hope my Dr. is right. I hope that once I have the baby (or if I'm lucky, before), it'll subside. Do you know how hard it is to sit down to pee?? To get up off the couch? To get in and out of my car?? To bend over and reach for something in the refrigerator? I can't push. I can't pull. I can't pivot to the left, only the right. I can't lift a pillow without calculating every move, every step. I can't get dressed or undressed alone. There are 25+ steps at my office that I have to face at least twice a day. I get about 5 steps up, one foot at a time and I have to stop to steady myself. My leg gets shaky and numb. My toes tingle. I take the next 5 and the same thing happens. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, my hip and butt are on fire and I feel like I just climbed Mt. Everest. I use a heating pad off and on at work and at home. I alternate with ice at home. That seems to help a little. As long as I don't get any crazy ideas about moving even one square inch of my body for about an hour after I feel that smidgen of relief. I'm tempted to count how many times I grunt, grasp for a breath, or let out sighs of relief during the day. Not only am I tired, exhausted and just worn out from feeling this way all day, every day. I'm so frustrated.
All I've done for the last several weeks, aside from the pain I'm enduring...is complain. I've always been one to take a step back and try to see the big picture before I freak out. That has been the biggest challenge during this trimester of pain and frustration. There have been so many challenges and fears throughout this pregnancy but it wasn't until now that I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have 8-9 weeks to go so why can't I just focus on that? Before I know it, it'll all be over and I'll be holding this little angel in my arms, thinking of nothing but how much I love him and how glad I am that he's finally here. Will I say, "it was all worth it", like I did after the first two? Up until a few weeks ago, maybe. I think I'm more likely to say, "There is no way I'd go through that again". Maybe because I already have 2 healthy children. (Well, one child, one adult!!) Or maybe once my mind isn't clouded by pain and frustration, I'll realize how lucky we are to have been able to take this journey one more time and bring this little baby into our world. This is, after all, what I've wanted for the last 11 years or so.
Through all the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion I can feel him moving all over, rolling around, kicking, jerking, punching. Nothing I'm going through seems to be bothering him one little bit! Any time I'm sitting idol, my hands are on my tummy. I keep stopping while I'm typing this just to feel him moving and shaking. It's a constant, positive reminder that all of this...stuff...this crap that I've been going through is going to result in something so amazing and so fantastic that it WILL all be worth it in the end.
He likes music, all kinds. He likes it when someone talks to him. He likes it when I rub my belly, in circles. We sometimes play a little game. I'll put my hands on my belly and wait for him to move. Then I'll push somewhere or rub somewhere and remove my hands. He reacts by kicking or pushing in that area. And sometimes, when I feel like I need it the most, he just rolls a little to let me know he's okay in there.
My Dr. says he won't let me go until August 3rd because he doesn't want me to deliver a 10 lb. baby. Apparently he's getting pretty big already. And if the pain in my hip doesn't subside before delivery, he might have to take him via c-section. I hope it doesn't come to that. But whatever happens, I just hope baby is okay. Until then, I'll just take it day by day and hope for the best.
If you've been following this blog...thank you for taking the time to read it. And thank you for the kind words of love and encouragement. And I'd also like to thank the people that have come to my aid in one way or another over the last few weeks or months. You are my rocks and I love you. xoxo
I can't believe I've already been pregnant for 219 days!
No comments:
Post a Comment