Small beginnings

Part 2, the aftermath.

Labor is so...awesome. I bet you thought I was going to say something horrible, huh? Well everyone knows it hurts. But man...you can't compare those first few minutes after birth to anything in existence.  You also can't compare the pain, but it's so worth it in the end.

When we came home from the hospital my first fear was how the dogs would act. And I was right. They were lunatics. Baby was sweet but she kept pushing all of her 90 lbs. into the baby, forcefully. I know she meant well, but she's a brute. Max is only about 25 lbs but he is young and dumb, much like the average teenager. He doesn't know what the hell he wants or how he feels or what to do in any given situation. And most of the time, he's wrong. How's that for a perfect analogy?! Honestly, I sat on the couch and I thought he was going to eat Tanner. Stupid fur ball! I love him to pieces...but I really wanted to throw him through a wall.  Here we are 5 weeks later and he still doesn't know how to act.  I smell an adoption on the horizon, Maximus! Get your crap together! Really, he doesn't know if he should protect Tanner or complain that he isn't the baby any more (be jealous!). I just want him to relax....but he has little man syndrome.  Not gonna happen.

The first week was good. We made a few stops so Mr. T could meet some of his family. That Saturday we went to Monsoon Lagoon. Gabe took a friend there to celebrate his 12th birthday. That night we went to the drive in and the following day we went to Maumee Bay. The next few weeks were no different, busy, lots of visiting and lots of baby smoochin'. We made a trip to the art museum, a couple birthday parties and had quite a few visitors at our house.  We made the rounds at my office and the court houses to show off as well.  Everyone just fell in love with him, as I knew they would. The first thing everyone mentions is his super blonde hair and how long he is. "He looks like a toddler!" lol

I met with our nanny, Teresa a few times. She's very nice.  I like her a lot. She has 3 girls. Her middle child goes to school with Gabe. The oldest is in high school and the youngest is about 7 months old. Teresa is my age too.  I'm a firm believer in 'what's meant to be will be' and 'everything happens for a reason.'  It's funny what's put in our path sometimes. I'm really glad I found her. :-) Today was Tanner's second day with her and so far, so good! He's not eating as much as he has been but he's been gassy and snotty so I understand. Poor dude.

Tanner's first Dr. visit was pretty eventful, though not at first. Everything was pretty routine until Dr. Burlingame asked how the breast feeding was going. I told him Tanner fed better on one side than the other. Upon a physical inspection he said, "I'm 95% sure the reason he doesn't feed well on that side is because he's uncomfortable. I think he broke his collar bone." Barry and I were both white as a ghost and fighting tears as we stared at each other. He sent us right away for an xray and it was confirmed, broken. Great. I broke my baby. The bad ass, champion pusher used excessive force and broke her baby!!! Dr. Burlingame said it's common with big babies, like Tanner and that because his bones are soft, he'll heal fast. He reassured us that Tanner wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable in certain positions.  Every time I looked at this precious little angel I teared up. The guilt was quite overwhelming. There was no treatment, just suggestions to keep his arm bent and tight to his side for a couple weeks. By the time we went to Tanner's one month appointment, it was pretty well healed. When we left the hospital after he was born, his weight dipped down to about 8 lbs., 4 oz. He was back to 8 lbs., 10 oz by one week old and 9 lbs., 11 oz. by 2 weeks old. This past Friday, at one month old....he was a whopping 11 lbs., 4 oz.! That's my little linebacker!! And ironically, my father in law pointed out something we hadn't noticed yet.  Tanner's initials are TD Silver (Touch Down Silver!). Looks like we might just have a football player on our hands!

I decided to go back to work a week early. I've felt great since I had Tanner and he seems to be doing pretty good too.  I didn't want to have to use any vacation days at work since I stopped working a week before I delivered. Tanner is doing great with Teresa and so far, I'm good at work. But I will say this...I honestly wish there was a way to replace my income from home. I love my job. I have a lot of pride in what I do and how long I've been doing it.  But more than anything in this world...I wish I could be home with the boys. It was so great being with Gabe and Tanner all day before Gabe headed back to school. Barry said he's always believed that if possible, both parents should work. He never thought he'd want a stay at home wife.  But after coming home every day to me and the boys, he wished it was possible. A couple days ago he was talking to our neighbor who sells insurance and does medical billing from home. She's a great neighbor and a really sweet person.  She wants to talk to me to see if it's something I'd be interested in. Although I wish I could do some legal typing from home, I'm not opposed to the medical billing thing. I can type over 100 words per minute so that seems to be a great line of work for me. I don't know about the insurance sales. I'm not a sales person. I don't like pressuring people. And I don't have a good poker face. I get nervous and I feel like people might have a hard time trusting what I say about their 'insurance' needs. I know how I am when someone tries to sell me something I don't think I can afford! Oh, come on 'angel of prosperity'....show me the light!!!

Tanner was finally able to meet his sister, Autumn! She came to visit 2 weekends in a row!! Hopefully in the near future, she'll move to Toledo so we can all see more of her!! Caleb is still in basic training...which I'm not entirely handling all too well. I miss my boy.  I worry about him. I know he made a good decision and he'll only benefit from it. He graduates in a couple weeks and we're going down to Georgia to see him.  Barry can't get off work but my step mom, Jody is going with Tanner and I.  I hate having to take more time off work so soon... but he only graduates from basic training once.  And he's counting on mom to be there. Who am I to disappoint?

Aside from burping and farting constantly, Tanner hasn't gotten his days and nights straightened out quite yet. We're trying but man, it's tough!! Most mornings I feel like I never did fall asleep and rarely get a chance to nap with him. Now that I'm back to work I can kiss that possibility goodbye! Some days, when I'm really tired and frustrated I just cry. And sometimes, Tanner cries right along with me. But it's okay because once I let it out, I feel better and I know he does too. :-) Now that we're cruising right along with these new routines, getting Tanner's schedule on track should be right around the corner. Until then, 3am and 5am feedings are like precious gems... He sticks out his bottom lip and clings to me while I rock him and tell him stories about mean old boogers (he's been pretty boogery the last few days) and lost loved ones. Barry tries to sing to him but he can never remember all the lyrics. It's bittersweet ....he makes it up as he goes and Tanner falls in love every time, staring at him and smiling. I hate to see him sad or uncomfortable but I'm in no hurry. I'm going to enjoy every second of him being brand new and perfect as long as I can. After everything we went through, everything I went through to get him here...the dream is finally a reality.

Here's to the next 18 years....good grief...Autumn will be 38, Caleb will be 37, and Gabe will be 30 when Tanner turns 18. What was I thinking??????? It's a good thing I don't look or act my age. Bwa ha ha ha ha...

Labor and delivery...the whole shebang!

There is so much to say, I don't even know where to start.  I think I'll split this into two separate blog entries.

LABOR AND DELIVERY...the whole shebang!

I had an appointment July 25th to see how my body was progressing since the visit a week prior. Not much was happening. I was a little more thinned out and a little more dilated, but not enough to celebrate. Dr. Gibbs said he was going to induce the following Monday if things didn't happen on their own. At this point, I was a seconds away from a complete mental breakdown due to the stress my body was under from Ninja baby and the fact that he told me he could induce at 39 weeks...which was Saturday, not Monday.  I asked "why not Saturday?" He said he would check availability at the hospital and let me know.  Leaving that office I didn't know if I wanted to cry, scream or just go take a nap.

Oooh...this is gonna hurt...

My last day of work was Friday, July 19th. I honestly couldn't walk up the stairs one more time. And if I tried...I may have had to just plan my labor right there in the office because there was no WAY I'd make it back down! Towels, water and a plush blanket in the conference room, stat!! She's gonna blow!!!! I don't think that would've been conducive to a healthy environment for baby.  And if my bosses thought they saw me at my worst in the last 14 years, they would've found out rather quickly how mistaken they were.

I was at the grocery store when I got the call from the nurse confirming my 7:30 a.m. induction....for Saturday, July 27th!! Woo hoo!! When I hung up the phone, reality was clenching at my guts. I was going to have a baby in 2 days. Was I really ready for this? Did I have everything I needed? Did I do everything I needed to do at work? Should I attempt to shave one last time? (This is the point where the weak should stop reading. There is no sugar coating from this point on, folks). Was I a little over indulgent when packing my hospital bag? I should probably re-pack. Where did I put all that paperwork? Did I make a copy of my living will? What the hell were we going to name this big dude? Would the hospital bill really be around $4000? Good grief, did I put the car seat in right? Am I going to remember how to do this? What if he doesn't bond with me right away? What if I get super bad postpartum depression? I wonder who he'll resemble more, me or daddy. I hope everything is okay with him. I just know he's squished up in there. Can I change my mind?

1/2 of my support team....

Drugs are kicking in...

We arrived at the hospital around 7:15 a.m., bag packed (lightly), nerves calm, loving anticipation a plenty and ready to get things started. Nervous is an understatement, but we managed well. The nurses wasted no time getting me situated and giving me the low down on what would transpire in the first few hours. I was so amazed at how calm I was. I thought I'd be a basket case! My sister, mother in law and big brother, Gabe arrived shortly after. By that time I was in my gown and getting my Pit IV. I giggled when the nurse said I was "valvey" because my mother in law is a nurse and she NEVER had trouble getting blood from me. We just smiled at each other and I knew she was thinking the same thing. The nurse had to call someone else in to do my IV after she failed because she was too afraid to try again. As she inspected me and arranged the external monitors for the millionth time, all I could do was stare. I watched the heart rate. I watched my contractions. I moved my bed up and down 87 times for optimal viewing of the monitors. She swore she felt baby's heart beat up pretty high, which I didn't doubt. I told her she was getting a reading from his butt.  She giggled and I repeated what I said. She said she was going to have the 'team' come in to do an ultrasound, just to make sure baby's head was where it was supposed to be.  I tried to explain that he had been 'in position' for months and that he was just a big baby, but she needed concrete evidence. I couldn't see the screen while they did the ultrasound but my mother in laws jaw dropped when she saw how big his feet were and that they were steadily jabbing into my rib cage.  "No wonder you're uncomfortable, look at those things!!". The nurse finally agreed she was getting the reading from his butt and that he was just a big baby, in position and ready to go! Thank goodness!! Let's get'er done!!

Dr. Gibbs came in around 10 a.m. to check on me. He was shocked when he learned they hadn't broke my water yet. "What? Well, let's do this thing!". He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I just love him. He's in his 60's but he's super hip and makes me feel very comfortable and confident in his work. A little crazy, I know. But he's my fave. He jumped out of his seat and ran frantically around the room, opening doors and drawers looking for his 'tools'. He then stopped for a second and realized he would need some helping hands so he hollered out the door..."can I get some more hands in here ladies? Hey....girls....hands...let's do this!" I thought he might be even more excited than I was at that point! It took him all of 10 seconds to break my water, wish me luck and head out the door, promising to be back soon to check on me. He had a couple other patients in labor to check on as well as a couple at another hospital across town. Busy guy, that man.

The contractions were steady but bearable for several hours. I believe it was around 4pm or so when I asked if they could do the epidural.  The last 10 contractions before the Epi were bad enough that I howled out in pain and Gabe was not having it! He asked me to let him know if I was going to cry because he wanted to leave the room if that was the case. He didn't want to see me cry. Sweet little dude. The nurse had them wait behind the curtain, mostly so Gabe didn't have to see me cry. The Epi was quick and as the nurse tried to get me comfortable on my bed she rolled up a towel to put under one side to keep me off my back. I told my sister to watch the monitors and let me know if she saw the heart beat drop or anything else alarming. Shortly after the Epi the nurse noticed the heart beat dropping and calmly said she was going to put me on my left side to try to get the heart rate back up. This happened with Caleb so I wasn't really worried. Once I got on my side, the heart rate dropped even more. The nurse became a little less steady with her hands and said she was going to roll me to my right side because baby didn't like me on my left. The heart rate dropped again and suddenly was GONE! Frantically she pulled at the nurse call string, ripping it out of the wall and pushing some other buttons to get more help. She kept repeating in a somehow slightly controlled but still frantic voice that she needed more hands. About 5 or 6 other people came filing into the room, sending everyone but Barry packing. He was just shoved to the back of the room, where I could barely make eye contact with him. I was scared, worried, sad, mad, confused, half out of it from the drugs and fighting the serious shower of tears hiding behind my eyes. They threw an oxygen mask on my face and put the sensor on my finger all while talking to each other but not saying a word to me. I knew it had to do with the baby's heart beat....but I didn't know what they were doing. I then realized they were trying to position me in a way that was favorable for baby and get the internal monitors in. Let me just say that it is not fun to have 6 sets of hands up in your business. One of the nurses appeared to be just over the ripe old age of 12. She did the internal monitor for my contractions. The entire time I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and just...off.  Something wasn't right. They found baby's heart beat, though it was a lot lower than it had been with the external monitor and things calmed down. Barry was again at my side and my nurse was much less frantic. I told her that the contractions didn't look right on the monitor and she sort of dismissed it.  I mentioned it again so she checked and sure enough, baby's head moved the monitor so she had to redo it. Why did I open my big mouth?? Please keep your hands out of my vajayjay until Ninja baby is ready to karate chop his way into the world, m-kay? Yep, my split personality had kicked in. One minute I was calm and overjoyed and the next I was Momzilla! The pit felt like it was wearing off and I swore I'd asked the nurse at least a dozen times how to make it kick in again.  Apparently she told me several times (oops...) that all I had to do was push the button on my right.  "Oh. You mean that button that has been dangling from a cord next to my right eyebrow for a few hours now?" I thought that was the nurse call button. As I shook with chills and my teeth chattered uncontrollably I wondered if pushing that button was such a great idea. The Pit made me feel like I was in an icebox. But I loved that it worked like a charm! I felt little to nothing from my armpits to my toes for the longest time. It would wear off after a while but only on the right side.  Hmmm.  Around 7:30 p.m. the nurse checked me and said I was about 7 cm. Dr. Gibbs came in shortly after. He checked me and said I was at 9 cm! He started getting everything ready and told me to push if I felt like I needed to. Well, I sort of felt some pressure, but the Pit was still going strong...on the left side. :-/ The internal monitors weren't registering a reading any more so I had to just put my hands on my belly and when it tightened up I knew I was having a contraction. Half way though the contractions I could feel them on my right side but never knew when they were starting. Baby wasn't crowning yet (I opted for the mirror....some people would rather be shot. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with my who-ha at all times!), but he was definitely ready! The first few pushes felt worthless from my perspective...but I had great cheer leaders! They kept telling me I was a champion pusher, a rockstar, bad ass and all that jazz.  Of course, they knew I needed to hear that so I wouldn't give up. If I knew what they thought they knew at that moment, I might have been too scared to push! Ninja baby was so close but I still couldn't see hair! I wanted to see hair!! Push #8 brought him front and center! At first the nurses thought he didn't have much hair but then Dr. Gibbs said, "Oh yes he does, and it's blonde!" I couldn't tell from the distance I was from him but it didn't surprise me because Gabe was blonde.  He asked if the 'little' guy had a name yet and to my surprise, Barry beat me to it...."Yes. It's Tanner. I guess I'll agree with 'Tanner'". I couldn't speak. I mouthed to him, "I love you!!!" I can't tell you how ecstatic I am that he agreed with that name!!! YES!!! 3 more pushes and out he came, big and beautiful as could be!! Dr. Gibbs held him up (upside down!), showing me the goods for a moment and said, "Look at THAT! Here he is, mom...here's your little line backer!". Tanner had a ton of blond hair all matted to his head but he was absolutely perfect.  All I could say is, "He is so beautiful!!" as I cried my eyeballs out! My ninja baby was here! They took him over to be cleaned up and weighed after I got in a few good smooches.  We were all a little surprised when they called out the numbers..."4 point something kilograms...".  As we waited for the conversion on pins and needles Barry and I just looked at each other, teary-eyed and so relieved that everything went so well.  "9 lbs., 2 oz.", the other nurse called out.  Even Dr. Gibbs was bug-eyed! Holy .....linebacker!! Then we had to wait for his length...23".  Wow!! I seriously just birthed a toddler.

As my placenta was being birthed (I was oblivious and had no idea it was done), the nurse was doing something (Which I was also oblivious to) and made a 'shock and awe' face to the other nurse.  She muttered some nurse terminology while she sort of massaged my tummy. That's when I thought she was assisting in the placenta extraction...but Dr. Gibbs was already half way through stitching me up. "Just doubling up, Sami. You have some 4th degree bruising and tearing, internally and externally. You are one amazing little momma." The nurse was apparently taking some sort of measurement of the placement of my uterus or something. She couldn't believe how skinny I was already!! Pardon my gloating. I wasn't unhappy to hear that!! I tried to tell them for months it was going to be a big baby. I knew he was bigger than Gabe, I just knew it! Gabe was 8 lbs., 15 oz. But it took me a year to lose the last 40 lbs. after him! Dr. Gibbs said he knew Tanner would be over 8 lbs. but even HE was a little surprised. He said later that if he had known just how big Tanner was going to be, he may have opted for the C-section.

Tanner's poor little face around his nose and mouth were all bruised when he came out. Apparently he was pretty squished in there, as I had thought all along. Who knew the little ninja was going to be so dang long!?!? His little face was right up against my pelvic bone and here I am, champion pusher and all....smashing him right down into it and bruising his perfect little face.  Some mother, eh? No wonder he stopped breathing when I was on my side. He had no room to turn his face so he could breathe. I could cry right now just thinking about it. I'm so sorry, Tanner.  Mommy loves you, I promise. xoxo

They had to wheel me to my recovery room on a gurney because I couldn't stand to get in a wheel chair. My left side was still numb! They had to put in a catheter because I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. Pardon me but that sucked ass!! In fact, it sucked ass until 3 p.m. the next day when they finally removed it!!! Granted, my left side from my arm pit to my toes was numb until 7:30 a.m. or so but I was a little pissed that they waited until 3 in the afternoon to remove it!! Dr. Gibbs came in fairly early and asked if I wanted to go home that day but I didn't see that happening since I still had that damn catheter in. He said they would be in soon to remove it but it was hours after that. I decided to stay because he said I could leave first thing the following morning. After the catheter came out I was still not walking steady and I was worried about stairs and balance.  The next morning came quickly, but not without a dozen or so interruptions from the nurses all night long and I was up, showered and ready to go by 7:30 a.m.!! We literally waited ALL day for the magic words, "You can go home now". Finally, Dr. Gibbs came in around 7:30....P.M.!!!! He apologized because his colleague was supposed to sign out his patients that morning but there was some 'communication issues'. I'll say! By the time all the paperwork was signed and we finally got home it was after 9:30 p.m.

Much like Gabe, picking a middle name for Tanner was a little bit easier than agreeing on a first name. Barry picked 3 middle names, Eli, Declan (pronounced Deck-lin) and Jace. We dismissed Jace first because we didn't want people calling him TJ. Then, at the 11th hour, with the nurse standing at my side, arms out-reached and waiting for the final paperwork....we chose Declan. The nurse was sweet...but I thought if we waited one more second she was going to blow a gasket. lol

Tanner Declan Silver, our little miracle!! What a simply amazing journey it's been! Thank you to everyone who has been a part of it. And thank you, Jesus....he's perfect!