What's meant to be

My mind is racing. My heart is pounding. I can't focus. My emotions are completely haywire. I have no patience. I can't seem to just stop, breathe and smile.

For two weeks I've been trying to just have faith, live my life and trust that everything happens for a reason. We tried off and on for 11 1/2 years to get Tanner. We knew it would change our lives to have another baby at this point in our lives but we really wanted him. We were willing to make a few sacrifices. We knew it might be tough at times. We got our little angel and wouldn't change a thing.

Two weeks ago we found out we're expecting again. To say we were surprised is a colossal understatement. I was surprised when my clothes didn't dry completely in the dryer. This little fact of life jarred my senses in a totally different way. I had a million things go through my mind, including "how the hell???" Yes, I know how the hell. But HOW THE HELL??  Why did I go through so much to get Tanner and now...oops???

I will be 39 when this baby arrives. I am terrified to have two in diapers! I'm scared of the cost of daycare and the potential need to search for new child care if our current provider is unable to help us. I'm embarrassed that at my age this lack of responsibility has even occurred. I'm worried beyond belief about our finances. Of course, my husband is not himself either. He's not as worried about money but it's always been my weak spot. I can handle A LOT. But money issues always push me over the edge.

I know that everything happens for a reason and I hope that in the near future I can find a way to be happy about this. I'm sharing this news because I think having the support of my family and friends, emotionally, will help me find that happiness. Suffering in silence doesn't help anyone, right?

Thank you for all the prayers today...I love you all to death!

Ringing in the New

I've been a little preoccupied huggin' and kissin' on the itty bitty one and whatnot, so I haven't blogged in a minute.

The Nanner-Tot is seriously growing like a weed. Ok, like a sunflower. :-) He just turned 5 months old and he's hitting milestones like Babe Ruth hit home runs. He's been in the 98th percentile and above since birth and it appears nothing is slowing him down!

Earlier this week he had his 4 month check up. He's running a couple weeks behind because of the way they scheduled his original appointments. They surprised me with another round of shots...I wasn't prepared for that. I should've been since I knew it was going to take 3 visits to get them all.  I guess I forgot. I don't like taking him for shots...alone. He looks at me with those beautiful peepers and that sad "why are you letting them do this to me" look on his face and I just cringe. My heart starts to beat faster and I have to fight tears, myself. He did great with the first round. But this round...a little tougher for the big guy. He howled with the first prick. I bet the whole building heard him. The next two he just whipped his head around and looked right at me...with the pouty lip and the wet eyeballs. All I could do was mouth, "I'm so sorry, Nanner-tot. Mommy loves you." He kept up the face for a minute but was calm and sweet as we left the office.  The 3 days that followed were no joke. Within 12 hours he had a fever of 103+ and would hardly eat...or sleep. This morning he let me know, in his usual awesome way...that he was well on his way back to jolly little Nanner Bananer. 

The last 5 months have gone so quickly, but not without some juggling. We had to find a new sitter, beginning after Christmas. Mrs. Theresa had a snafoo with her other job. I totally understanding having to do whatever it takes for your family so no hard feelings. I was pretty devastated when she told me though. She was quite a prize and I had no idea how we would replace her. I turned to social media, once again, hoping my luck wouldn't change and I would again be blessed with an amazing child care provider for my little Nanner. A friend from high school saw my post and referred me to a very wonderful woman, Mrs. Debbie. So far...we LOVE Mrs. Debbie! She watches a few other kids as well but is home with them, all day. She's been providing child care for over 20 years. I am so glad I've kept up with the times (if only in the social media world). Outside of that, I don't really talk to my 'friends'. I suck at being a good friend, seriously. But so far I've had two great people watching Tanner and don't think I'll ever go back to a daycare situation. 

The 4 month mark was pretty eventful too.  

In October (between 3-4 months) he met his grandparents from NC for the first time. I know they were impressed...I mean, who wouldn't be?? But he was also very impressed by them! I try to send a lot of pics so they don't feel quite so far away, but we're counting down the days until we can see them again, next summer! Tanner also was able to meet his older brother for the first time in September. 

Yet another milestone for Tanner! We drove down to GA to watch Caleb graduate from basic training in the Army National Guard. T was great in the car.  And great the entire trip! Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better baby. He's been sleeping 10-12 hours straight at night since about 4 weeks. He eats like a champ. He's charming, happy, loving and adorable. He's very curious and learning at a rapid pace. He has dreamboat eyes and he touches my face all the time, making me feel like Bella in Twilight when Renesme touches her face. Ok, that's a little silly. But he really does make me feel like he's trying to communicate with me sometimes. Man, I love this dude. 

Christmas was wonderful!! 

Tanner was able to meet Aunt Jill for the first time at Christmas. I think we have everyone covered, except, of course our out of state family. But I think I'm doing a stellar job of keeping everyone up to date with those phenomenal social skills I mentioned above. We spent New Years at my sisters, which was awesome! I just didn't want to go out and leave litter Nanner behind for his first New Years celebration. :-) And with his big brother, Gabe and cousins, Lilyana and Josie to entertain, Nanner LOVED ringing in the new year! Despite being a little under the weather from those darn shots, he managed to entertain us as well. ;-) 

The cold weather (-15 with the windchill today!) has everyone finding ways to keep warm and toasty. Me, Gabe and Tanner cuddled most of the day yesterday after I was let go from work early. We have about 6-8" of snow on the ground and 6-10 more inches coming in a couple days. The weather the beginning of next week is supposed to be -3 on Monday, before wind chill factor. Can you say...frostbite? 

The last 14 months sure has gone fast. I remember when we were looking at those two little pink lines, hoping, praying. And now I can't remember what it was like to not have little toes to nibble on, baby slobber on my shoulder and little chubby fingers gripping my face.  What a year to remember. Thank you Jesus, for answering our prayer. Thank you for giving me 3 amazing boys and an amazing step daughter, all of whom I can't imagine my life without. They are my real life angels, my miracles, my heart.

As I say goodbye, once again, to my oldest baby, heading back to Georgia to finish his training I can't help but stare at this picture. All 3 of my boys together. 

I can't wait to see what the future has in store. I've been so blessed for the last 20 years (ok, the last 38 years). From the looks of it, we could be in a world of trouble or just a ton of fun. :-)

Happy New Year everyone!!