My mind is racing. My heart is pounding. I can't focus. My emotions are completely haywire. I have no patience. I can't seem to just stop, breathe and smile.
For two weeks I've been trying to just have faith, live my life and trust that everything happens for a reason. We tried off and on for 11 1/2 years to get Tanner. We knew it would change our lives to have another baby at this point in our lives but we really wanted him. We were willing to make a few sacrifices. We knew it might be tough at times. We got our little angel and wouldn't change a thing.
Two weeks ago we found out we're expecting again. To say we were surprised is a colossal understatement. I was surprised when my clothes didn't dry completely in the dryer. This little fact of life jarred my senses in a totally different way. I had a million things go through my mind, including "how the hell???" Yes, I know how the hell. But HOW THE HELL?? Why did I go through so much to get Tanner and now...oops???
I will be 39 when this baby arrives. I am terrified to have two in diapers! I'm scared of the cost of daycare and the potential need to search for new child care if our current provider is unable to help us. I'm embarrassed that at my age this lack of responsibility has even occurred. I'm worried beyond belief about our finances. Of course, my husband is not himself either. He's not as worried about money but it's always been my weak spot. I can handle A LOT. But money issues always push me over the edge.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I hope that in the near future I can find a way to be happy about this. I'm sharing this news because I think having the support of my family and friends, emotionally, will help me find that happiness. Suffering in silence doesn't help anyone, right?
Thank you for all the prayers today...I love you all to death!
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