I am 37 years old. My oldest son is graduating from high school in 5 months and leaving for boot camp shortly after. My youngest son is 11 years old and not far from starting junior high school. My 10 year wedding anniversary is this fall and my husband will be turning 40. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of planning in the coming months.
When I think back to what life has brought me in the last 37 years I can't help but smile. There have been a lot of ups and downs, and lately what feels like more downs than ups. I lost my father in 2010 and my grandfather in 2011. I suffered my 3rd miscarriage in August last year. The economy has really taken a dive and my job is no exception. I've struggled with the idea of going back to school or at least looking for a different job where I could work a little less but not take much of a pay cut. Good luck with that, right? In today's economy, I'm lucky to even be working. Barry has been struggling with his job too and it shows, every day. But again, at least he's working. He's trying to get into Chrysler. That's moving along...at a slow but steady pace. Let's just keep our fingers crossed on that one for a while longer!
After my last post I wasn't sure what I was going to do with this blog. I had all but given up on my reproductive organs. And after reading my last post, I didn't know if our dream was ever going to come true. After our loss in August we talked about making one last effort. There was a lot to discuss! We decided that if we didn't get pregnant by New Years Eve, we were done. He was going to get fixed so that we didn't even have to think about it any more. I was going to do it...but he insisted that his overall recovery would be shorter and less painful, so he would be the one to have a procedure done. Man, I love him. Mine. All mine.
I knew that deciding to try again was a big decision, in a lot of big ways. Our biggest fear, of course, was another loss. If we succeeded, our biggest fear was being too old to enjoy this child's teenage years. Who enjoys that, anyway?!?! I kid. Barry was more.....IS more worried about that than me. He worries that at school functions people will think we're the grandparents. First of all, I don't care what people think. Second of all, I plan to be plenty young (still) when this child gets to high school. If you know what I mean. I knew that we could get pregnant. That was never the problem. Staying pregnant was the problem. So I called Dr. Gibbs and told him we were trying. He asked if I wanted to make an appt. to talk about some things that might help. I declined. I told him that this was in God's hands. If it happened, it happened. And if it didn't, we were done. In September I started reducing my coffee intake, and for anyone that knows me you know that was a definite challenge! I tried to eat better and stay on my feet more, attempting to be more active. Toward the end of the month I decided to start taking prenatal vitamins. I was reading forums and blogs and articles about trying to conceive, hoping to up my chances of conception for that cycle. Well, it didn't happen in September/October. The next cycle I started taking Mucinex. Believe it or not, it's a fertility aid. I won't get into the details, but it really works. I took it until the day I think I ovulated (released an egg). Aren't you glad I told you that? I started drinking more water back in September and continued through October and November. I started keeping track of my basil body temperature but ended up fighting some phlegm, which made it nearly impossible. After a week or so of tracking and calculating I decided to stop 'trying' and just have fun. :-) I figured I could take a pregnancy test as early as Thanksgiving Day. The day before I got 'ants in the pants' and couldn't resist, so I tested. I got a faint positive. They say 'a line is a line', but I didn't trust it. I tested the day after Thanksgiving and it was a little darker but still faint. At this point I was hopeful but calm. I scheduled an appointment for a blood draw because I knew that was the first thing I needed to know. What were my Hcg levels? First draw they were 87. It wasn't exactly a strong number...but it did mean that it was a positive test. Two days later, the numbers went up to 237. And a week after that...12,095! Music to my ears!
Here I sit, 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my little rainbow baby. I won't deny that there have been moments where I feel that fear creeping in again that something bad is going to happen. I already had an over night scare in the hospital, being dehydrated. The morning sickness is atrocious with this pregnancy! Everyone keeps saying it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy but if you've ever experienced a loss, you know that doesn't really matter. I had an early ultrasound that showed a tiny baby and a heart beat of 112, even though I could only see the heart beating. I was over the moon!! About a week later I had another ultrasound. Dr. wanted to make sure baby was growing like he/she should be. That time I heard the heart beat. 141 bpm!! At this point the morning sickness had kicked into high gear and I could barely keep anything down. I haven't been able to drink water for weeks. I can't eat red meat or pork. I can't eat anything with a lot of spices in it, even pepper. I have to stay pretty bland with my diet. I have to eat something about every hour and a half or so and I have to keep Gatorade by my side 24-7. Around 11 weeks I had a Dr. appt. and told him I was nervous because I was so sick all the time. He said the good news is that if something bad were going to happen, women who are in danger of miscarriage don't throw up and bleed/cramp at the same time. So I guess it's true. As long as I'm puking, it's a healthy pregnancy.
My last appointment was a little scary too. I just love my Dr. though. He did a physical exam and said my uterus was measuring bigger than it should for 11 weeks, 5 days. I told him it can't be that my numbers are wrong about when we conceived because I have been tracking and calculating and I know my body far better than I'd like to right now. So I joked that it could be twins. When he agreed with me I almost fell off the table! Now the odds are against us a millions ways to one. But it's still possible. I'm doubtful. I have a condition that was diagnosed in 2010 that I think might play a part. If it does, it could mean preterm labor. So Dr. says to me, 'let's take a listen to baby, just for shits and giggles'. I couldn't believe he said 'shits and giggles'. But I'm not offended. It was hilarious. He scheduled an ultrasound for 2 weeks out....which I thought was a little odd because he made it seem like something he wanted to know sooner than later. When I asked he said by the time we did the ultrasound I would be starting the 2nd trimester. Again, music to my ears. I guess it's a good thing I bought a home doppler so I could listen to baby's heart beat at home.
I'm hoping at this next ultrasound to not only hear a strong heart beat and see a beautiful growing baby...but maybe since I'll be 14 weeks they can take a good guess at what I'm having. Once I know that I'm safely into the second trimester and baby is doing good...I can start shopping!! Woo hoo!!
So this has been my new journey for the last 4 months or so. My life as been nothing short of a soap opera. I've overcome adversity many times in the last 37 years. I've fallen and I've gotten back up. One thing I've never done is give up. If my father did anything right in his life it was to raise his kids to fight for what we believe in, follow our dreams and never give up on the pursuit of happiness. Many times I've questioned "why me" and I've been blinded by hurt and fear. But I've never given up. In August we will add one more reason to fight, one more reason to follow our dreams and one more reason to never, ever, ever give up. If you are still reading, thank you for being a part of this journey.
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