Our little cowboy

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

Our gender ultrasound at My Little Me went very well last night. As soon as the doppler touched my belly the tech yelled, "It's a boy!" He was definitely determined to do two things. Keep us from seeing 'the proof' and make sure we know he's already a show off! He kept grabbing his business or trying to cover it up and he was moving all over the place! I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit surprised. But I guess my mommy intuition was right, once again. And more importantly I will remain outnumbered in the Silver household. Looks like it's time to remodel and add another bathroom!!

I've had a lot of people tell me they thought it was going to be a girl for one reason or another. Most people, in fact. I think they just wanted so badly for me to have a girl because they knew I wanted one, and it's our last baby. I love you all for that!! But you didn't wish hard enough!!! ;-)

He waved to us several times and sucked his thumb a few times. But more than anything he just wanted to play with his business.  Typical boy, I guess! Ha! This one is my favorite. This little tiny foot is so stinking cute. And to make it more adorable, the tech captured a heart shape in the empty space of my uterus. I'm titling this one "footsteps on my heart". Uh, I melt...

As some of you already know we had a little scare this week. I called my Dr. yesterday to see if the results from my Quad screen came in. I didn't know how long it usually took for those results and had no idea they'd be ready. The nurse put me on hold to check and after a few minutes I was shocked to hear my Dr. pick up the line. For those of you that don't know, the quad screen is a maternal blood screening test that looks for 4 substances to determine the risk of Down's Syndrome. This test not only looks at blood results but also age and ethnicity. This test does not signify a problem, only whether or not further testing should be done. The results only tell us the persons chances of having an abnormality, not whether or not they have it.  At my age my results should have been 1:168 or better.  My results were 1:25. I had already done some research because at my age and with my history, it was the smart thing to do. I even talked to Barry about it a little. I chose to do the Quad screen because for me, it was better than wishing I had.  At first, I was terrified when the Dr. gave me those numbers. A million things went through my mind. I have 2 healthy boys that came from 2 healthy pregnancies and have been healthy since I gave birth to them (for the most part). Caleb has had some bronchial issues and Gabe was diagnosed with ADHD, for which we no longer medicate him. Other than that, common colds and the occasional stomach bug. Since 2001, when I had Gabe, I've been pretty healthy myself. Other than some issues that resulted in further testing to find out that basically I'm getting old, I'm good. Honestly, I've said from the beginning that my body was probably more prepared to go through Menopause than pregnancy. But after reading about Down's and hearing other people's stories, I wanted to do the test. And if further testing was needed, we would deal with it at that time. The truth is, I didn't think much past that. I guess I really didn't think I'd get numbers like this. If this were my first pregnancy at this age that number would be even lower, making the odds even further against me. At this point, I believe my age plays a major part. I have an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine specialist on March 6th.  I'm looking forward to it, actually. I want more information and getting it straight from the mouths of the people that deal with it the most is of the utmost importance to me. If anything, I want to be as prepared as I can, for whatever is in store for us and for baby boy Silver. I still have moments where my heart begins to flutter at the idea of anything being less than perfect with my little bean. It hurts. It makes me tear up. It scares the Bejesus out of me. For now, all I can do when I have moments like that...is breathe. And wait. This is my rainbow baby. My little miracle. I will never give up on him. I will never hurt him. I will never, ever stop loving him with my whole heart. I've wanted him for so long and now that I have him, I'm never letting go. I will fight to the ends of the earth for him. I may have days where I can't do that without the support of the one's I love and surround myself with.  So if I call you or text you or Facebook message you because I need someone to virtually bitch slap me, please oblige. I am a strong woman. Of the men in my life I've outlived one, outsmarted one, married two, raised one, am still raising one, and am now creating a third. I will not let this situation dictate the rest of this pregnancy. I will not let it consume me. But I will concede that I am only human and I can't always tell my heart how to feel. Forgive me if I have moment's of weakness, but please, please don't let me fall.

If I've learned anything useful about this test and my results it's that you can't trust it. A lot of women my age get results like this and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. If this baby has Down's, it's not going to change anything, for me. So I'll see the specialist and I'll get the ultrasound.  I will not, however, get the Amniocentesis. Those results won't change anything for me. There is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage with Amniocentesis. That's less than 1% more of a chance than I'm willing to take. If I were to do the Amniocentesis and baby was fine but then I miscarried...I would blame myself and that's not something I want to deal with. Please keep my little bean in your prayers.  He's only the size of an apple right now so he needs all the support he can get. ;-)

As each day passes and this baby gets closer and closer to being snuggled and smooched my heart grows bigger and bigger. We have a long and bumpy road ahead. Thank you again, friends and family!! You're the best!

Movin' along....

Sixteen weeks. I've been pregnant for 16 weeks. What a blessing.

Things have been getting much better on the morning sickness front. I've managed to avoid the toilet bowl blues for quite a while now. I still get nauseous from time to time and there are still foods I have to stay away from. But generally, I feel good. My newest aches and pains are my hips and pelvis. I get Sciatica pain pretty frequently, which Doc says is normal. He gave me some pointers and said I should try to stretch, daily, but not a lot. Yoga, here I come!!

Today's appointment was pretty uneventful for the most part. Heart beat is around 153, which is fabulous! I had a stressful few days at home with the doppler because the heartbeat was only registering around 140 or a little higher. It made me worry since little bean's heart rate has been in the 160's for so long now. Doc said 140 is still in the normal range and he's not worried. Whew! They did take blood again today, which I'm beginning to really dislike. Some of the girls are great at drawing and some are just terrible. I have pretty good veins....there should not be a bruise the size of a kiwi on my arm an hour after you draw. But thank you for being a nice person about it. That counts too. And the best thing I heard today aside from how good baby is doing...how skinny I am! Doc said he has the feeling I'm going to be aalllll baby this time! That's good news since I gained 75 lbs. with Gabe!!!

The last 16 weeks have been full of a lot of things, most of all, love. I think I have the biggest circle of friends and family than pretty much anyone on the face of the planet. Every single person in my life is so stinking special to me. I just love you to death! It's been a long, painful, sorrowful road these last few years and you've all made this journey so amazing for me. Finding out we were expecting again was not only a blessing but also created a familiar fear in my heart. I managed to hold on to my sanity and remain calm and optimistic for the first few weeks because let's face it, what choice did I have? As the morning sickness kicked in I was the perfect mixture of ecstatic and terrified. I knew it was a good sign, but I couldn't help but worry. I was pretty much miserable in that department for about 8 1/2 weeks. The most prevalent angels were the ones who had to suffer right along side me, Barry, Gabe and Caleb. Thank God for them. I know it was hard for them to see me like that but they smiled at me, hugged me, catered to me and did everything they could to help me and I'm eternally grateful for that. I recently found myself starting to worry about things that are beyond my control. The Doctor's want to run so many tests when you're expecting, some of which I have the option to deny. Maybe I could deny them all but I'm referring to the ones that test for diseases and disorders, things like that. Today I had the quad screen. It tests for Spina Bifida and chromosome abnormalities. I'm a little worried, I won't lie. I'm over 35 with a history of losses. I can't help it. Last week I had a horrible dream that I couldn't find the heart beat so the Dr. did an ultrasound and the baby stopped growing. I hate dreams like that!! I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive here. Some days it's harder than others. But today I'm grateful that everything seems to be going just as it should. Baby is good. Momma is good. Life is good. So thank you, to everyone in my life that played a part.

Although there are other hurdles in front of me, today's is the 4 week wait for the gender ultrasound. My dilemma? Schedule an elective gender ultrasound or wait until March 19th. I think I can find enough to keep me busy in the next 4 weeks to pass the time fairly quickly....but I want to buy something for my baby today!!!!!  Honestly, my intuition isn't that strong. I flip flop a lot. Most days I think I'm probably leaning toward another boy. Of course I would love to have a little girl. Especially since this is our last baby. My last baby. 19 years ago when I was giving birth to my first baby I swore he would be the only one. Then I saw his precious little face and swore I'd do it 10 times over if my body would let me. I meant every word of that. Whether I have a little princess or a little cowboy brewing, I cannot wait for the days when I can hold this little miracle, kiss their cheeks, listen to their adorable little sounds and watch them grow. I know a couple of big brothers and an awesome daddy that are pretty excited about it too! Not to mention Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and an army of other family and friends! All the pain, sickness, worries and wonders will all be worth it in about 165 days!!! Until then, let's countdown to March 19th!! Only 28 days to go!!!

Thank  you so much for being a part of my journey!!

My miracle....every step I take...

Well, I've made it to the second trimester!! Although there are still mountains ahead, I feel so relieved to have made it this far. This was one of the first mile markers for me so it feels wonderful!

The ultrasound went well. They weren't able to tell me the gender but baby was active and growing strong. Everything was measuring right where it should so we still don't know why my uterus was measuring big last time. Crisis averted. Miracle achieved. :-)

The morning sickness seems to have let up a little more this week. I'm getting my appetite back! I can finally drink water again, thank goodness!! While I was super duper sick, water tasted like...mud. I don't know how else to describe it. It was awful. I couldn't even chew ice because it left a very dry, salty, dirty taste in my mouth. I've cut way back on the Gatorade and have been drinking other things that have much less sugar. I figure it's about time to cut back on that. I remember how active Gabe was in the womb and I'm thinking genetics are uncontrollable...but I can limit the sugar intake! That kid never stopped, from conception to ....today!!! If you know my boy, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Lightening bolts. Electricity. Cat fight. Speedy Gonzales. Something like that. I'm wondering if this little bean will be as active. I can't wait to feel that first bounce. *sigh....

I'm still watching my portions though my tolerance has really improved. Last night I had spaghetti.  I don't know how smart that was. I think it's something in the sauce that baby just doesn't like yet. I did cook up some hamburger that I added to the sauce but I tried not to get any when I scooped up my serving. The red meat still doesn't sit well with me. Apparently baby is a vegetarian. Which is okay with me...except it makes it a little harder to plan meals in my house. What I need to do is have a salad every day. I absolutely love salad. And do you know that I couldn't eat that either a few weeks ago?!?! Red meat, pork, tuna fish, even some of the chicken I cooked hit me the wrong way. Ick.

Now that I've been feeling a little better I've been doing a little research about what kinds of exercise I can do. Right now, walking is about it. I haven't really done anything in weeks so I can't start with what I did before.  I guess I could throw a little yoga in there.  I just can't wait until spring hits and I can spend more time outside. Ah...I can smell the lilacs now....

Dr. says I have placenta previa. The placenta is completely covering my cervix as of last Friday. I have another appointment on the 19th to see if it moved at all.  Until then, I can't do much exercise anyway. He says rest and/or lay down as much as possible. And what woman does that? I work 45 hours a week and have a household to run. 'As much as possible' is the lovely 5-7 hours of sleep I get at night. If I'm laying down, who will cook dinner? Do laundry? Feed the dogs? Sweep the floor? Do the dishes? I guess they'll just have to figure it out. Apparently, it's early enough that as the uterus grows and the placenta grows, it will move up, away from my cervix. It grows toward the main blood supply, which is at the top of the uterus.  I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and soliciting prayers until then.

As good as I've been feeling I decided to start taking my extra vitamins again. I had been taking vitamin D and vitamin B on top of my prenatals. Doc thought it was a good idea. Well when I was puking my brains out every day I stopped taking them. I stopped taking everything except my prenatal. I even switched that to a gummie because I heard it was gentler. Same ingredients so I don't know how that works, but they were right. Much better. Anyway, after dinner I started not feeling well. Then I started feeling worse. Then I was curled up in a ball on my bed, tears in my eyes, shaking and I swore the hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) was back. I was soooo sick! I didn't throw up...but I was out cold by 9pm. I don't know if it was the spaghetti....or the vitamins. But it wasn't good. I've decided I won't be eating spaghetti or taking vitamin D or B until I talk to Doc on the 19th. That was just awful. I woke up feeling okay. I was able to eat some Cheerios. Haven't had them in ages...and man were they scrumptious!!

Aside from all the TMI that's been going on with my body and baby, I've also had some sciatic nerve pain in my left butt cheek. If I move a certain way I can feel it in my hip too.  I'm thinking it's just my hips adjusting to make room for my monster uterus.  I have round ligament pain from time to time...stretching and growing stuff.  But nothing incapacitating. It kind of reminds me of my dad and how no matter how I hurt myself when I was little his response was always, "Aw, that's just a growing pain!" I sure wish he was still around.  Mom too.  But I'm sure they aren't missing a thing up there! Along with Eekie and grandpa Runyan. I had a dream last night that was kind of weird, but Eek was in it. She was sitting on the couch (which was a daybed) in their trailer. I asked her why grandpa wasn't there but she never answered. There was a storm coming....a real doozie...but she just sat there, smiling, with that innocent, beautiful, youthful smile on her face, looking up at me as if to tell me there was nothing to worry about. My dad was outside....I thought maybe chopping wood or something?? My mom was reading poetry to my aunt Angie in a back room and someone was calming a crying baby somewhere. I could hear them, but I couldn't see them. I wish I could talk to a dream analyst about this one!! Although the dream was a little strange, I'm sure glad I got to sleep long enough to even have one. Lately it seems I'm up every hour or so to pee or re-position myself or get a drink.  Then I wake up around 330 and can't get back to sleep. Until about 5 minutes before the alarm goes off! Aahhhh!!!

And so the journey continues. I thought I was supposed to start liking being pregnant at this point. I don't dislike it. And I'm certainly overjoyed that I'm having another baby....finally! I just wish I could get some sleep, eat and not worry about tossing my cookies, wear some clothes that actually fit and walk without feeling like my hips were going to cave in on me. But I'll take all the discomforts and pains that come my way because in about 6 more months I'll be on cloud 9, smooching my baby from head to toe. Baby toes...oh....I just got butterflies in my tummy!! I can't wait!!