My mind is racing. My heart is pounding. I can't focus. My emotions are completely haywire. I have no patience. I can't seem to just stop, breathe and smile.
For two weeks I've been trying to just have faith, live my life and trust that everything happens for a reason. We tried off and on for 11 1/2 years to get Tanner. We knew it would change our lives to have another baby at this point in our lives but we really wanted him. We were willing to make a few sacrifices. We knew it might be tough at times. We got our little angel and wouldn't change a thing.
Two weeks ago we found out we're expecting again. To say we were surprised is a colossal understatement. I was surprised when my clothes didn't dry completely in the dryer. This little fact of life jarred my senses in a totally different way. I had a million things go through my mind, including "how the hell???" Yes, I know how the hell. But HOW THE HELL?? Why did I go through so much to get Tanner and now...oops???
I will be 39 when this baby arrives. I am terrified to have two in diapers! I'm scared of the cost of daycare and the potential need to search for new child care if our current provider is unable to help us. I'm embarrassed that at my age this lack of responsibility has even occurred. I'm worried beyond belief about our finances. Of course, my husband is not himself either. He's not as worried about money but it's always been my weak spot. I can handle A LOT. But money issues always push me over the edge.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I hope that in the near future I can find a way to be happy about this. I'm sharing this news because I think having the support of my family and friends, emotionally, will help me find that happiness. Suffering in silence doesn't help anyone, right?
Thank you for all the prayers today...I love you all to death!
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Ringing in the New
I've been a little preoccupied huggin' and kissin' on the itty bitty one and whatnot, so I haven't blogged in a minute.
The Nanner-Tot is seriously growing like a weed. Ok, like a sunflower. :-) He just turned 5 months old and he's hitting milestones like Babe Ruth hit home runs. He's been in the 98th percentile and above since birth and it appears nothing is slowing him down!
The Nanner-Tot is seriously growing like a weed. Ok, like a sunflower. :-) He just turned 5 months old and he's hitting milestones like Babe Ruth hit home runs. He's been in the 98th percentile and above since birth and it appears nothing is slowing him down!
Earlier this week he had his 4 month check up. He's running a couple weeks behind because of the way they scheduled his original appointments. They surprised me with another round of shots...I wasn't prepared for that. I should've been since I knew it was going to take 3 visits to get them all. I guess I forgot. I don't like taking him for shots...alone. He looks at me with those beautiful peepers and that sad "why are you letting them do this to me" look on his face and I just cringe. My heart starts to beat faster and I have to fight tears, myself. He did great with the first round. But this round...a little tougher for the big guy. He howled with the first prick. I bet the whole building heard him. The next two he just whipped his head around and looked right at me...with the pouty lip and the wet eyeballs. All I could do was mouth, "I'm so sorry, Nanner-tot. Mommy loves you." He kept up the face for a minute but was calm and sweet as we left the office. The 3 days that followed were no joke. Within 12 hours he had a fever of 103+ and would hardly eat...or sleep. This morning he let me know, in his usual awesome way...that he was well on his way back to jolly little Nanner Bananer.
The last 5 months have gone so quickly, but not without some juggling. We had to find a new sitter, beginning after Christmas. Mrs. Theresa had a snafoo with her other job. I totally understanding having to do whatever it takes for your family so no hard feelings. I was pretty devastated when she told me though. She was quite a prize and I had no idea how we would replace her. I turned to social media, once again, hoping my luck wouldn't change and I would again be blessed with an amazing child care provider for my little Nanner. A friend from high school saw my post and referred me to a very wonderful woman, Mrs. Debbie. So far...we LOVE Mrs. Debbie! She watches a few other kids as well but is home with them, all day. She's been providing child care for over 20 years. I am so glad I've kept up with the times (if only in the social media world). Outside of that, I don't really talk to my 'friends'. I suck at being a good friend, seriously. But so far I've had two great people watching Tanner and don't think I'll ever go back to a daycare situation.
The 4 month mark was pretty eventful too.
In October (between 3-4 months) he met his grandparents from NC for the first time. I know they were impressed...I mean, who wouldn't be?? But he was also very impressed by them! I try to send a lot of pics so they don't feel quite so far away, but we're counting down the days until we can see them again, next summer! Tanner also was able to meet his older brother for the first time in September.
Yet another milestone for Tanner! We drove down to GA to watch Caleb graduate from basic training in the Army National Guard. T was great in the car. And great the entire trip! Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better baby. He's been sleeping 10-12 hours straight at night since about 4 weeks. He eats like a champ. He's charming, happy, loving and adorable. He's very curious and learning at a rapid pace. He has dreamboat eyes and he touches my face all the time, making me feel like Bella in Twilight when Renesme touches her face. Ok, that's a little silly. But he really does make me feel like he's trying to communicate with me sometimes. Man, I love this dude.
Christmas was wonderful!!
Tanner was able to meet Aunt Jill for the first time at Christmas. I think we have everyone covered, except, of course our out of state family. But I think I'm doing a stellar job of keeping everyone up to date with those phenomenal social skills I mentioned above. We spent New Years at my sisters, which was awesome! I just didn't want to go out and leave litter Nanner behind for his first New Years celebration. :-) And with his big brother, Gabe and cousins, Lilyana and Josie to entertain, Nanner LOVED ringing in the new year! Despite being a little under the weather from those darn shots, he managed to entertain us as well. ;-)
The cold weather (-15 with the windchill today!) has everyone finding ways to keep warm and toasty. Me, Gabe and Tanner cuddled most of the day yesterday after I was let go from work early. We have about 6-8" of snow on the ground and 6-10 more inches coming in a couple days. The weather the beginning of next week is supposed to be -3 on Monday, before wind chill factor. Can you say...frostbite?
The last 14 months sure has gone fast. I remember when we were looking at those two little pink lines, hoping, praying. And now I can't remember what it was like to not have little toes to nibble on, baby slobber on my shoulder and little chubby fingers gripping my face. What a year to remember. Thank you Jesus, for answering our prayer. Thank you for giving me 3 amazing boys and an amazing step daughter, all of whom I can't imagine my life without. They are my real life angels, my miracles, my heart.
As I say goodbye, once again, to my oldest baby, heading back to Georgia to finish his training I can't help but stare at this picture. All 3 of my boys together.
I can't wait to see what the future has in store. I've been so blessed for the last 20 years (ok, the last 38 years). From the looks of it, we could be in a world of trouble or just a ton of fun. :-)
Happy New Year everyone!!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Small beginnings
Part 2, the aftermath.
Labor is so...awesome. I bet you thought I was going to say something horrible, huh? Well everyone knows it hurts. But man...you can't compare those first few minutes after birth to anything in existence. You also can't compare the pain, but it's so worth it in the end.
When we came home from the hospital my first fear was how the dogs would act. And I was right. They were lunatics. Baby was sweet but she kept pushing all of her 90 lbs. into the baby, forcefully. I know she meant well, but she's a brute. Max is only about 25 lbs but he is young and dumb, much like the average teenager. He doesn't know what the hell he wants or how he feels or what to do in any given situation. And most of the time, he's wrong. How's that for a perfect analogy?! Honestly, I sat on the couch and I thought he was going to eat Tanner. Stupid fur ball! I love him to pieces...but I really wanted to throw him through a wall. Here we are 5 weeks later and he still doesn't know how to act. I smell an adoption on the horizon, Maximus! Get your crap together! Really, he doesn't know if he should protect Tanner or complain that he isn't the baby any more (be jealous!). I just want him to relax....but he has little man syndrome. Not gonna happen.
The first week was good. We made a few stops so Mr. T could meet some of his family. That Saturday we went to Monsoon Lagoon. Gabe took a friend there to celebrate his 12th birthday. That night we went to the drive in and the following day we went to Maumee Bay. The next few weeks were no different, busy, lots of visiting and lots of baby smoochin'. We made a trip to the art museum, a couple birthday parties and had quite a few visitors at our house. We made the rounds at my office and the court houses to show off as well. Everyone just fell in love with him, as I knew they would. The first thing everyone mentions is his super blonde hair and how long he is. "He looks like a toddler!" lol
I met with our nanny, Teresa a few times. She's very nice. I like her a lot. She has 3 girls. Her middle child goes to school with Gabe. The oldest is in high school and the youngest is about 7 months old. Teresa is my age too. I'm a firm believer in 'what's meant to be will be' and 'everything happens for a reason.' It's funny what's put in our path sometimes. I'm really glad I found her. :-) Today was Tanner's second day with her and so far, so good! He's not eating as much as he has been but he's been gassy and snotty so I understand. Poor dude.
Tanner's first Dr. visit was pretty eventful, though not at first. Everything was pretty routine until Dr. Burlingame asked how the breast feeding was going. I told him Tanner fed better on one side than the other. Upon a physical inspection he said, "I'm 95% sure the reason he doesn't feed well on that side is because he's uncomfortable. I think he broke his collar bone." Barry and I were both white as a ghost and fighting tears as we stared at each other. He sent us right away for an xray and it was confirmed, broken. Great. I broke my baby. The bad ass, champion pusher used excessive force and broke her baby!!! Dr. Burlingame said it's common with big babies, like Tanner and that because his bones are soft, he'll heal fast. He reassured us that Tanner wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable in certain positions. Every time I looked at this precious little angel I teared up. The guilt was quite overwhelming. There was no treatment, just suggestions to keep his arm bent and tight to his side for a couple weeks. By the time we went to Tanner's one month appointment, it was pretty well healed. When we left the hospital after he was born, his weight dipped down to about 8 lbs., 4 oz. He was back to 8 lbs., 10 oz by one week old and 9 lbs., 11 oz. by 2 weeks old. This past Friday, at one month old....he was a whopping 11 lbs., 4 oz.! That's my little linebacker!! And ironically, my father in law pointed out something we hadn't noticed yet. Tanner's initials are TD Silver (Touch Down Silver!). Looks like we might just have a football player on our hands!
I decided to go back to work a week early. I've felt great since I had Tanner and he seems to be doing pretty good too. I didn't want to have to use any vacation days at work since I stopped working a week before I delivered. Tanner is doing great with Teresa and so far, I'm good at work. But I will say this...I honestly wish there was a way to replace my income from home. I love my job. I have a lot of pride in what I do and how long I've been doing it. But more than anything in this world...I wish I could be home with the boys. It was so great being with Gabe and Tanner all day before Gabe headed back to school. Barry said he's always believed that if possible, both parents should work. He never thought he'd want a stay at home wife. But after coming home every day to me and the boys, he wished it was possible. A couple days ago he was talking to our neighbor who sells insurance and does medical billing from home. She's a great neighbor and a really sweet person. She wants to talk to me to see if it's something I'd be interested in. Although I wish I could do some legal typing from home, I'm not opposed to the medical billing thing. I can type over 100 words per minute so that seems to be a great line of work for me. I don't know about the insurance sales. I'm not a sales person. I don't like pressuring people. And I don't have a good poker face. I get nervous and I feel like people might have a hard time trusting what I say about their 'insurance' needs. I know how I am when someone tries to sell me something I don't think I can afford! Oh, come on 'angel of prosperity'....show me the light!!!
Tanner was finally able to meet his sister, Autumn! She came to visit 2 weekends in a row!! Hopefully in the near future, she'll move to Toledo so we can all see more of her!! Caleb is still in basic training...which I'm not entirely handling all too well. I miss my boy. I worry about him. I know he made a good decision and he'll only benefit from it. He graduates in a couple weeks and we're going down to Georgia to see him. Barry can't get off work but my step mom, Jody is going with Tanner and I. I hate having to take more time off work so soon... but he only graduates from basic training once. And he's counting on mom to be there. Who am I to disappoint?
Aside from burping and farting constantly, Tanner hasn't gotten his days and nights straightened out quite yet. We're trying but man, it's tough!! Most mornings I feel like I never did fall asleep and rarely get a chance to nap with him. Now that I'm back to work I can kiss that possibility goodbye! Some days, when I'm really tired and frustrated I just cry. And sometimes, Tanner cries right along with me. But it's okay because once I let it out, I feel better and I know he does too. :-) Now that we're cruising right along with these new routines, getting Tanner's schedule on track should be right around the corner. Until then, 3am and 5am feedings are like precious gems... He sticks out his bottom lip and clings to me while I rock him and tell him stories about mean old boogers (he's been pretty boogery the last few days) and lost loved ones. Barry tries to sing to him but he can never remember all the lyrics. It's bittersweet ....he makes it up as he goes and Tanner falls in love every time, staring at him and smiling. I hate to see him sad or uncomfortable but I'm in no hurry. I'm going to enjoy every second of him being brand new and perfect as long as I can. After everything we went through, everything I went through to get him here...the dream is finally a reality.
Here's to the next 18 years....good grief...Autumn will be 38, Caleb will be 37, and Gabe will be 30 when Tanner turns 18. What was I thinking??????? It's a good thing I don't look or act my age. Bwa ha ha ha ha...
Labor is so...awesome. I bet you thought I was going to say something horrible, huh? Well everyone knows it hurts. But man...you can't compare those first few minutes after birth to anything in existence. You also can't compare the pain, but it's so worth it in the end.
When we came home from the hospital my first fear was how the dogs would act. And I was right. They were lunatics. Baby was sweet but she kept pushing all of her 90 lbs. into the baby, forcefully. I know she meant well, but she's a brute. Max is only about 25 lbs but he is young and dumb, much like the average teenager. He doesn't know what the hell he wants or how he feels or what to do in any given situation. And most of the time, he's wrong. How's that for a perfect analogy?! Honestly, I sat on the couch and I thought he was going to eat Tanner. Stupid fur ball! I love him to pieces...but I really wanted to throw him through a wall. Here we are 5 weeks later and he still doesn't know how to act. I smell an adoption on the horizon, Maximus! Get your crap together! Really, he doesn't know if he should protect Tanner or complain that he isn't the baby any more (be jealous!). I just want him to relax....but he has little man syndrome. Not gonna happen.
The first week was good. We made a few stops so Mr. T could meet some of his family. That Saturday we went to Monsoon Lagoon. Gabe took a friend there to celebrate his 12th birthday. That night we went to the drive in and the following day we went to Maumee Bay. The next few weeks were no different, busy, lots of visiting and lots of baby smoochin'. We made a trip to the art museum, a couple birthday parties and had quite a few visitors at our house. We made the rounds at my office and the court houses to show off as well. Everyone just fell in love with him, as I knew they would. The first thing everyone mentions is his super blonde hair and how long he is. "He looks like a toddler!" lol
I met with our nanny, Teresa a few times. She's very nice. I like her a lot. She has 3 girls. Her middle child goes to school with Gabe. The oldest is in high school and the youngest is about 7 months old. Teresa is my age too. I'm a firm believer in 'what's meant to be will be' and 'everything happens for a reason.' It's funny what's put in our path sometimes. I'm really glad I found her. :-) Today was Tanner's second day with her and so far, so good! He's not eating as much as he has been but he's been gassy and snotty so I understand. Poor dude.
Tanner's first Dr. visit was pretty eventful, though not at first. Everything was pretty routine until Dr. Burlingame asked how the breast feeding was going. I told him Tanner fed better on one side than the other. Upon a physical inspection he said, "I'm 95% sure the reason he doesn't feed well on that side is because he's uncomfortable. I think he broke his collar bone." Barry and I were both white as a ghost and fighting tears as we stared at each other. He sent us right away for an xray and it was confirmed, broken. Great. I broke my baby. The bad ass, champion pusher used excessive force and broke her baby!!! Dr. Burlingame said it's common with big babies, like Tanner and that because his bones are soft, he'll heal fast. He reassured us that Tanner wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable in certain positions. Every time I looked at this precious little angel I teared up. The guilt was quite overwhelming. There was no treatment, just suggestions to keep his arm bent and tight to his side for a couple weeks. By the time we went to Tanner's one month appointment, it was pretty well healed. When we left the hospital after he was born, his weight dipped down to about 8 lbs., 4 oz. He was back to 8 lbs., 10 oz by one week old and 9 lbs., 11 oz. by 2 weeks old. This past Friday, at one month old....he was a whopping 11 lbs., 4 oz.! That's my little linebacker!! And ironically, my father in law pointed out something we hadn't noticed yet. Tanner's initials are TD Silver (Touch Down Silver!). Looks like we might just have a football player on our hands!
I decided to go back to work a week early. I've felt great since I had Tanner and he seems to be doing pretty good too. I didn't want to have to use any vacation days at work since I stopped working a week before I delivered. Tanner is doing great with Teresa and so far, I'm good at work. But I will say this...I honestly wish there was a way to replace my income from home. I love my job. I have a lot of pride in what I do and how long I've been doing it. But more than anything in this world...I wish I could be home with the boys. It was so great being with Gabe and Tanner all day before Gabe headed back to school. Barry said he's always believed that if possible, both parents should work. He never thought he'd want a stay at home wife. But after coming home every day to me and the boys, he wished it was possible. A couple days ago he was talking to our neighbor who sells insurance and does medical billing from home. She's a great neighbor and a really sweet person. She wants to talk to me to see if it's something I'd be interested in. Although I wish I could do some legal typing from home, I'm not opposed to the medical billing thing. I can type over 100 words per minute so that seems to be a great line of work for me. I don't know about the insurance sales. I'm not a sales person. I don't like pressuring people. And I don't have a good poker face. I get nervous and I feel like people might have a hard time trusting what I say about their 'insurance' needs. I know how I am when someone tries to sell me something I don't think I can afford! Oh, come on 'angel of prosperity'....show me the light!!!
Tanner was finally able to meet his sister, Autumn! She came to visit 2 weekends in a row!! Hopefully in the near future, she'll move to Toledo so we can all see more of her!! Caleb is still in basic training...which I'm not entirely handling all too well. I miss my boy. I worry about him. I know he made a good decision and he'll only benefit from it. He graduates in a couple weeks and we're going down to Georgia to see him. Barry can't get off work but my step mom, Jody is going with Tanner and I. I hate having to take more time off work so soon... but he only graduates from basic training once. And he's counting on mom to be there. Who am I to disappoint?
Aside from burping and farting constantly, Tanner hasn't gotten his days and nights straightened out quite yet. We're trying but man, it's tough!! Most mornings I feel like I never did fall asleep and rarely get a chance to nap with him. Now that I'm back to work I can kiss that possibility goodbye! Some days, when I'm really tired and frustrated I just cry. And sometimes, Tanner cries right along with me. But it's okay because once I let it out, I feel better and I know he does too. :-) Now that we're cruising right along with these new routines, getting Tanner's schedule on track should be right around the corner. Until then, 3am and 5am feedings are like precious gems... He sticks out his bottom lip and clings to me while I rock him and tell him stories about mean old boogers (he's been pretty boogery the last few days) and lost loved ones. Barry tries to sing to him but he can never remember all the lyrics. It's bittersweet ....he makes it up as he goes and Tanner falls in love every time, staring at him and smiling. I hate to see him sad or uncomfortable but I'm in no hurry. I'm going to enjoy every second of him being brand new and perfect as long as I can. After everything we went through, everything I went through to get him here...the dream is finally a reality.
Here's to the next 18 years....good grief...Autumn will be 38, Caleb will be 37, and Gabe will be 30 when Tanner turns 18. What was I thinking??????? It's a good thing I don't look or act my age. Bwa ha ha ha ha...
 |
Labor and delivery...the whole shebang!
LABOR AND DELIVERY...the whole shebang!
I had an appointment July 25th to see how my body was progressing since the visit a week prior. Not much was happening. I was a little more thinned out and a little more dilated, but not enough to celebrate. Dr. Gibbs said he was going to induce the following Monday if things didn't happen on their own. At this point, I was a seconds away from a complete mental breakdown due to the stress my body was under from Ninja baby and the fact that he told me he could induce at 39 weeks...which was Saturday, not Monday. I asked "why not Saturday?" He said he would check availability at the hospital and let me know. Leaving that office I didn't know if I wanted to cry, scream or just go take a nap.
 |
| Oooh...this is gonna hurt... |
I was at the grocery store when I got the call from the nurse confirming my 7:30 a.m. induction....for Saturday, July 27th!! Woo hoo!! When I hung up the phone, reality was clenching at my guts. I was going to have a baby in 2 days. Was I really ready for this? Did I have everything I needed? Did I do everything I needed to do at work? Should I attempt to shave one last time? (This is the point where the weak should stop reading. There is no sugar coating from this point on, folks). Was I a little over indulgent when packing my hospital bag? I should probably re-pack. Where did I put all that paperwork? Did I make a copy of my living will? What the hell were we going to name this big dude? Would the hospital bill really be around $4000? Good grief, did I put the car seat in right? Am I going to remember how to do this? What if he doesn't bond with me right away? What if I get super bad postpartum depression? I wonder who he'll resemble more, me or daddy. I hope everything is okay with him. I just know he's squished up in there. Can I change my mind?
 |
| 1/2 of my support team.... |
 |
| Drugs are kicking in... |
We arrived at the hospital around 7:15 a.m., bag packed (lightly), nerves calm, loving anticipation a plenty and ready to get things started. Nervous is an understatement, but we managed well. The nurses wasted no time getting me situated and giving me the low down on what would transpire in the first few hours. I was so amazed at how calm I was. I thought I'd be a basket case! My sister, mother in law and big brother, Gabe arrived shortly after. By that time I was in my gown and getting my Pit IV. I giggled when the nurse said I was "valvey" because my mother in law is a nurse and she NEVER had trouble getting blood from me. We just smiled at each other and I knew she was thinking the same thing. The nurse had to call someone else in to do my IV after she failed because she was too afraid to try again. As she inspected me and arranged the external monitors for the millionth time, all I could do was stare. I watched the heart rate. I watched my contractions. I moved my bed up and down 87 times for optimal viewing of the monitors. She swore she felt baby's heart beat up pretty high, which I didn't doubt. I told her she was getting a reading from his butt. She giggled and I repeated what I said. She said she was going to have the 'team' come in to do an ultrasound, just to make sure baby's head was where it was supposed to be. I tried to explain that he had been 'in position' for months and that he was just a big baby, but she needed concrete evidence. I couldn't see the screen while they did the ultrasound but my mother in laws jaw dropped when she saw how big his feet were and that they were steadily jabbing into my rib cage. "No wonder you're uncomfortable, look at those things!!". The nurse finally agreed she was getting the reading from his butt and that he was just a big baby, in position and ready to go! Thank goodness!! Let's get'er done!!
Dr. Gibbs came in around 10 a.m. to check on me. He was shocked when he learned they hadn't broke my water yet. "What? Well, let's do this thing!". He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I just love him. He's in his 60's but he's super hip and makes me feel very comfortable and confident in his work. A little crazy, I know. But he's my fave. He jumped out of his seat and ran frantically around the room, opening doors and drawers looking for his 'tools'. He then stopped for a second and realized he would need some helping hands so he hollered out the door..."can I get some more hands in here ladies? Hey....girls....hands...let's do this!" I thought he might be even more excited than I was at that point! It took him all of 10 seconds to break my water, wish me luck and head out the door, promising to be back soon to check on me. He had a couple other patients in labor to check on as well as a couple at another hospital across town. Busy guy, that man.
The contractions were steady but bearable for several hours. I believe it was around 4pm or so when I asked if they could do the epidural. The last 10 contractions before the Epi were bad enough that I howled out in pain and Gabe was not having it! He asked me to let him know if I was going to cry because he wanted to leave the room if that was the case. He didn't want to see me cry. Sweet little dude. The nurse had them wait behind the curtain, mostly so Gabe didn't have to see me cry. The Epi was quick and as the nurse tried to get me comfortable on my bed she rolled up a towel to put under one side to keep me off my back. I told my sister to watch the monitors and let me know if she saw the heart beat drop or anything else alarming. Shortly after the Epi the nurse noticed the heart beat dropping and calmly said she was going to put me on my left side to try to get the heart rate back up. This happened with Caleb so I wasn't really worried. Once I got on my side, the heart rate dropped even more. The nurse became a little less steady with her hands and said she was going to roll me to my right side because baby didn't like me on my left. The heart rate dropped again and suddenly was GONE! Frantically she pulled at the nurse call string, ripping it out of the wall and pushing some other buttons to get more help. She kept repeating in a somehow slightly controlled but still frantic voice that she needed more hands. About 5 or 6 other people came filing into the room, sending everyone but Barry packing. He was just shoved to the back of the room, where I could barely make eye contact with him. I was scared, worried, sad, mad, confused, half out of it from the drugs and fighting the serious shower of tears hiding behind my eyes. They threw an oxygen mask on my face and put the sensor on my finger all while talking to each other but not saying a word to me. I knew it had to do with the baby's heart beat....but I didn't know what they were doing. I then realized they were trying to position me in a way that was favorable for baby and get the internal monitors in. Let me just say that it is not fun to have 6 sets of hands up in your business. One of the nurses appeared to be just over the ripe old age of 12. She did the internal monitor for my contractions. The entire time I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and just...off. Something wasn't right. They found baby's heart beat, though it was a lot lower than it had been with the external monitor and things calmed down. Barry was again at my side and my nurse was much less frantic. I told her that the contractions didn't look right on the monitor and she sort of dismissed it. I mentioned it again so she checked and sure enough, baby's head moved the monitor so she had to redo it. Why did I open my big mouth?? Please keep your hands out of my vajayjay until Ninja baby is ready to karate chop his way into the world, m-kay? Yep, my split personality had kicked in. One minute I was calm and overjoyed and the next I was Momzilla! The pit felt like it was wearing off and I swore I'd asked the nurse at least a dozen times how to make it kick in again. Apparently she told me several times (oops...) that all I had to do was push the button on my right. "Oh. You mean that button that has been dangling from a cord next to my right eyebrow for a few hours now?" I thought that was the nurse call button. As I shook with chills and my teeth chattered uncontrollably I wondered if pushing that button was such a great idea. The Pit made me feel like I was in an icebox. But I loved that it worked like a charm! I felt little to nothing from my armpits to my toes for the longest time. It would wear off after a while but only on the right side. Hmmm. Around 7:30 p.m. the nurse checked me and said I was about 7 cm. Dr. Gibbs came in shortly after. He checked me and said I was at 9 cm! He started getting everything ready and told me to push if I felt like I needed to. Well, I sort of felt some pressure, but the Pit was still going strong...on the left side. :-/ The internal monitors weren't registering a reading any more so I had to just put my hands on my belly and when it tightened up I knew I was having a contraction. Half way though the contractions I could feel them on my right side but never knew when they were starting. Baby wasn't crowning yet (I opted for the mirror....some people would rather be shot. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with my who-ha at all times!), but he was definitely ready! The first few pushes felt worthless from my perspective...but I had great cheer leaders! They kept telling me I was a champion pusher, a rockstar, bad ass and all that jazz. Of course, they knew I needed to hear that so I wouldn't give up. If I knew what they thought they knew at that moment, I might have been too scared to push! Ninja baby was so close but I still couldn't see hair! I wanted to see hair!! Push #8 brought him front and center! At first the nurses thought he didn't have much hair but then Dr. Gibbs said, "Oh yes he does, and it's blonde!" I couldn't tell from the distance I was from him but it didn't surprise me because Gabe was blonde. He asked if the 'little' guy had a name yet and to my surprise, Barry beat me to it...."Yes. It's Tanner. I guess I'll agree with 'Tanner'". I couldn't speak. I mouthed to him, "I love you!!!" I can't tell you how ecstatic I am that he agreed with that name!!! YES!!! 3 more pushes and out he came, big and beautiful as could be!! Dr. Gibbs held him up (upside down!), showing me the goods for a moment and said, "Look at THAT! Here he is, mom...here's your little line backer!". Tanner had a ton of blond hair all matted to his head but he was absolutely perfect. All I could say is, "He is so beautiful!!" as I cried my eyeballs out! My ninja baby was here! They took him over to be cleaned up and weighed after I got in a few good smooches. We were all a little surprised when they called out the numbers..."4 point something kilograms...". As we waited for the conversion on pins and needles Barry and I just looked at each other, teary-eyed and so relieved that everything went so well. "9 lbs., 2 oz.", the other nurse called out. Even Dr. Gibbs was bug-eyed! Holy .....linebacker!! Then we had to wait for his length...23". Wow!! I seriously just birthed a toddler.
As my placenta was being birthed (I was oblivious and had no idea it was done), the nurse was doing something (Which I was also oblivious to) and made a 'shock and awe' face to the other nurse. She muttered some nurse terminology while she sort of massaged my tummy. That's when I thought she was assisting in the placenta extraction...but Dr. Gibbs was already half way through stitching me up. "Just doubling up, Sami. You have some 4th degree bruising and tearing, internally and externally. You are one amazing little momma." The nurse was apparently taking some sort of measurement of the placement of my uterus or something. She couldn't believe how skinny I was already!! Pardon my gloating. I wasn't unhappy to hear that!! I tried to tell them for months it was going to be a big baby. I knew he was bigger than Gabe, I just knew it! Gabe was 8 lbs., 15 oz. But it took me a year to lose the last 40 lbs. after him! Dr. Gibbs said he knew Tanner would be over 8 lbs. but even HE was a little surprised. He said later that if he had known just how big Tanner was going to be, he may have opted for the C-section.
Tanner's poor little face around his nose and mouth were all bruised when he came out. Apparently he was pretty squished in there, as I had thought all along. Who knew the little ninja was going to be so dang long!?!? His little face was right up against my pelvic bone and here I am, champion pusher and all....smashing him right down into it and bruising his perfect little face. Some mother, eh? No wonder he stopped breathing when I was on my side. He had no room to turn his face so he could breathe. I could cry right now just thinking about it. I'm so sorry, Tanner. Mommy loves you, I promise. xoxo
They had to wheel me to my recovery room on a gurney because I couldn't stand to get in a wheel chair. My left side was still numb! They had to put in a catheter because I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. Pardon me but that sucked ass!! In fact, it sucked ass until 3 p.m. the next day when they finally removed it!!! Granted, my left side from my arm pit to my toes was numb until 7:30 a.m. or so but I was a little pissed that they waited until 3 in the afternoon to remove it!! Dr. Gibbs came in fairly early and asked if I wanted to go home that day but I didn't see that happening since I still had that damn catheter in. He said they would be in soon to remove it but it was hours after that. I decided to stay because he said I could leave first thing the following morning. After the catheter came out I was still not walking steady and I was worried about stairs and balance. The next morning came quickly, but not without a dozen or so interruptions from the nurses all night long and I was up, showered and ready to go by 7:30 a.m.!! We literally waited ALL day for the magic words, "You can go home now". Finally, Dr. Gibbs came in around 7:30....P.M.!!!! He apologized because his colleague was supposed to sign out his patients that morning but there was some 'communication issues'. I'll say! By the time all the paperwork was signed and we finally got home it was after 9:30 p.m.
Much like Gabe, picking a middle name for Tanner was a little bit easier than agreeing on a first name. Barry picked 3 middle names, Eli, Declan (pronounced Deck-lin) and Jace. We dismissed Jace first because we didn't want people calling him TJ. Then, at the 11th hour, with the nurse standing at my side, arms out-reached and waiting for the final paperwork....we chose Declan. The nurse was sweet...but I thought if we waited one more second she was going to blow a gasket. lol
Tanner Declan Silver, our little miracle!! What a simply amazing journey it's been! Thank you to everyone who has been a part of it. And thank you, Jesus....he's perfect!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
What dreams may come...
Tomorrow will be here in the blink of an eye. And then, it will be gone.
I've been sitting here with oodles of anticipation for my Dr. appointment tomorrow afternoon because I know the Dr. will check to see if there's any progression and I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I want my little ninja baby here, like...yesterday! My hope? I hope I'm dilated to at least 2-3. I want this to happen because he's ready. I really don't want to be induced and I really, really don't want it to result in c-section. The odds of that are slim, but if baby is as big as Doc is anticipating, it's not unreasonable to think it might have to happen. I certainly don't want bigger problems with the slipped disk in my back down the road...so I trust Doc. I know he's looking out for me and for baby.
While I sit and bite my nails, figuratively speaking...because they are acrylics and I wouldn't want to mangle them...I realize that I only have 10-16 days before baby will be here. This is the last baby I will carry. This is the last pregnancy I will experience. In two weeks it will be a whole new world. And in two months, new milestones. In two years...no more baby, welcome to toddler-hood. Before I know it, it'll all be just a dream...a memory. I don't know if my boys know how much I've loved them every single moment of every single day of their existence but I feel compelled to tell them and show them much, much more. I know they see all the attention baby and I are getting but I hope they know that they too were in the baby bump spot light at one time. Now they're in the pre-teen and adult child spot light. Not as exciting, I know. But they own it, let me tell you.
Tomorrow I'll find out whether or not labor is right around the corner. If not, I'll have to be induced and I'm hoping beyond hope that I don't have to be. I was induced with Caleb and Pitocin is no fun. Period. Gabe was a piece of cake compared to Caleb in the labor and delivery department. Hopefully this bundle of joy is no worse than somewhere in the middle! I've got all his little clothes cleaned and put away. I've got all the necessities ready for him at home. The car seat is installed and my hospital bag is mostly packed. I have a list so Barry can help me at the last minute if necessary. I informed the bosses that my last day would be July 26th unless baby decides to come sooner. Today I was wondering if sooner would be....TODAY! The Braxton Hicks contractions are serious today. If I was timing them, which I haven't been because I've been pretty busy at work, they would be coming about 10-12 per hour. But they aren't consistent, every hour. And the space in between varies. So I know they aren't the real thing yet. I do, however, hope that they are helping to make some progress in baby's journey. 37 weeks and 4 days today, counting every second!!
I'm so going to miss this.
I've been sitting here with oodles of anticipation for my Dr. appointment tomorrow afternoon because I know the Dr. will check to see if there's any progression and I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I want my little ninja baby here, like...yesterday! My hope? I hope I'm dilated to at least 2-3. I want this to happen because he's ready. I really don't want to be induced and I really, really don't want it to result in c-section. The odds of that are slim, but if baby is as big as Doc is anticipating, it's not unreasonable to think it might have to happen. I certainly don't want bigger problems with the slipped disk in my back down the road...so I trust Doc. I know he's looking out for me and for baby.
While I sit and bite my nails, figuratively speaking...because they are acrylics and I wouldn't want to mangle them...I realize that I only have 10-16 days before baby will be here. This is the last baby I will carry. This is the last pregnancy I will experience. In two weeks it will be a whole new world. And in two months, new milestones. In two years...no more baby, welcome to toddler-hood. Before I know it, it'll all be just a dream...a memory. I don't know if my boys know how much I've loved them every single moment of every single day of their existence but I feel compelled to tell them and show them much, much more. I know they see all the attention baby and I are getting but I hope they know that they too were in the baby bump spot light at one time. Now they're in the pre-teen and adult child spot light. Not as exciting, I know. But they own it, let me tell you.
Tomorrow I'll find out whether or not labor is right around the corner. If not, I'll have to be induced and I'm hoping beyond hope that I don't have to be. I was induced with Caleb and Pitocin is no fun. Period. Gabe was a piece of cake compared to Caleb in the labor and delivery department. Hopefully this bundle of joy is no worse than somewhere in the middle! I've got all his little clothes cleaned and put away. I've got all the necessities ready for him at home. The car seat is installed and my hospital bag is mostly packed. I have a list so Barry can help me at the last minute if necessary. I informed the bosses that my last day would be July 26th unless baby decides to come sooner. Today I was wondering if sooner would be....TODAY! The Braxton Hicks contractions are serious today. If I was timing them, which I haven't been because I've been pretty busy at work, they would be coming about 10-12 per hour. But they aren't consistent, every hour. And the space in between varies. So I know they aren't the real thing yet. I do, however, hope that they are helping to make some progress in baby's journey. 37 weeks and 4 days today, counting every second!!
I'm so going to miss this.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Pregnancy brain, full force!
This has been such a busy year, already! 5 more days and my baby turns 19! Holy cow!! I can't believe I have an adult child. Craziness. The graduation party/open house is Sunday too. I feel so unorganized for this thing!!! My OCD has me wanting to check and recheck all 10 of the checklists I have going right now. I just know I'm going to forget something. I have a lot of helping hands so it should be ok. Hopefully. Lord help me. I'm such a worry wart! I just want it to go smoothly for Caleb. I only have 13 more days with him before he leaves for basic training.
I can't even believe how grown up he is. Ok. My heart hurts. Let's talk about baby for a minute.
The baby shower went well. I was glad we had a smaller amount of people show up. About 1/2 way through it I was completely uncomfortable, overheated, sore and super tired. But I was sooooo grateful for all the people that showed up, the ones that sent gifts who couldn't make it and the amazing gifts everyone gave. I still haven't gotten the thank you notes out....but they're done! I swear! Pregnancy brain example #1. I just keep forgetting to stop and get stamps!!! Ugh!
This baby will not be needing clothes until he is about a year old....depending on how rapidly he grows. Between my obsession with garage sales and mom 2 mom sales, all the awesome clothes we received as gifts and the hand me downs...we're good. Last Saturday I not only went through all his clothes but I organized everything and inventoried so I could return duplicates and see what all I still need to get. I just ordered the baby bath, a diaper bag, a hanging organizer, some swim pants and some Orajel today. When I get my 10% of coupon for Babies R Us I'll be getting some other necessities, like bottles!! I think I have enough to cover what I still want to get: bottles, a bottle brush, a dishwasher basket, a changing pad and cover, safety latches for drawers and doors, and maybe a bedding set. I have some blankets and sheets but I want to get bumpers and a cute set for the crib. I'm going to have to get some baby laundry soap and get all this stuff washed soon too. Baby will be here sooner than we know and poor dude won't have any clean duds. I put together all his toys and gadgets and I now know how to use them all. Whew! Some of the assembly process wasn't pretty. Good thing I was all by myself trying to figure it out, otherwise, I'd have to actually admit it wasn't easy. ;-) Honestly, it wasn't. But that was mostly due to the fact that I had to do the majority of it from a seated position because of my sore bum!! But who's the mamma? This girl.
I didn't get to paint the room and Gabe still has some lingering belongings in there...but I'm okay with it at this point. Gabe and Caleb never had a decorated nursery so I'm already spoiling little ninja baby.
5-6 weeks to go and D-day still feels so far away. I have a list but haven't packed my bags yet. I don't even know what to take, really. I'm keeping it simple though. Ha! I say that now. Wait until Barry's carrying that bag into the hospital, shaking his head, asking what the hell I packed in that sucker. I can hear him now..."are you sure you didn't forget something? Like, the kitchen sink or a spare tire for the car?" You can thank Grandma Runyan for that. She taught me how to be a pack rat. It isn't hoarding status or anything....I just have a hard time letting go of some things or thinking I'm forgetting something. So I tend to....over do it sometimes. Ha!
Well, I'm off to see Dr. Gibbs to find out when he's doing my final ultrasound. We'll find out how big Ninja baby is getting and how long he's going to let me go before he induces. Apparently baby is above the 98th percentile already with a big head and belly. I really wish he'd be a little less vague about how long he thinks he'll let me go. I need dates, Doc. Stat. I need to know like, yesterday. Okay. I'll try to be more patient.
Hurry up Ninja Baby!!!
The baby shower went well. I was glad we had a smaller amount of people show up. About 1/2 way through it I was completely uncomfortable, overheated, sore and super tired. But I was sooooo grateful for all the people that showed up, the ones that sent gifts who couldn't make it and the amazing gifts everyone gave. I still haven't gotten the thank you notes out....but they're done! I swear! Pregnancy brain example #1. I just keep forgetting to stop and get stamps!!! Ugh!
This baby will not be needing clothes until he is about a year old....depending on how rapidly he grows. Between my obsession with garage sales and mom 2 mom sales, all the awesome clothes we received as gifts and the hand me downs...we're good. Last Saturday I not only went through all his clothes but I organized everything and inventoried so I could return duplicates and see what all I still need to get. I just ordered the baby bath, a diaper bag, a hanging organizer, some swim pants and some Orajel today. When I get my 10% of coupon for Babies R Us I'll be getting some other necessities, like bottles!! I think I have enough to cover what I still want to get: bottles, a bottle brush, a dishwasher basket, a changing pad and cover, safety latches for drawers and doors, and maybe a bedding set. I have some blankets and sheets but I want to get bumpers and a cute set for the crib. I'm going to have to get some baby laundry soap and get all this stuff washed soon too. Baby will be here sooner than we know and poor dude won't have any clean duds. I put together all his toys and gadgets and I now know how to use them all. Whew! Some of the assembly process wasn't pretty. Good thing I was all by myself trying to figure it out, otherwise, I'd have to actually admit it wasn't easy. ;-) Honestly, it wasn't. But that was mostly due to the fact that I had to do the majority of it from a seated position because of my sore bum!! But who's the mamma? This girl.
I didn't get to paint the room and Gabe still has some lingering belongings in there...but I'm okay with it at this point. Gabe and Caleb never had a decorated nursery so I'm already spoiling little ninja baby.
5-6 weeks to go and D-day still feels so far away. I have a list but haven't packed my bags yet. I don't even know what to take, really. I'm keeping it simple though. Ha! I say that now. Wait until Barry's carrying that bag into the hospital, shaking his head, asking what the hell I packed in that sucker. I can hear him now..."are you sure you didn't forget something? Like, the kitchen sink or a spare tire for the car?" You can thank Grandma Runyan for that. She taught me how to be a pack rat. It isn't hoarding status or anything....I just have a hard time letting go of some things or thinking I'm forgetting something. So I tend to....over do it sometimes. Ha!
Well, I'm off to see Dr. Gibbs to find out when he's doing my final ultrasound. We'll find out how big Ninja baby is getting and how long he's going to let me go before he induces. Apparently baby is above the 98th percentile already with a big head and belly. I really wish he'd be a little less vague about how long he thinks he'll let me go. I need dates, Doc. Stat. I need to know like, yesterday. Okay. I'll try to be more patient.
Hurry up Ninja Baby!!!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Light at the end of the gestational tunnel
What a ride it's been.
My baby shower is in 6 days and I feel so unorganized. I'm worried about how I'll feel, physically. I guess it's a good thing I have so many loving, helping hands that plan to be around for it!!
The Sciatica is still here. Some days are better than others, but that sharp pain that turns into spasms and radiating pain for hours or days just won't go away. I hope my Dr. is right. I hope that once I have the baby (or if I'm lucky, before), it'll subside. Do you know how hard it is to sit down to pee?? To get up off the couch? To get in and out of my car?? To bend over and reach for something in the refrigerator? I can't push. I can't pull. I can't pivot to the left, only the right. I can't lift a pillow without calculating every move, every step. I can't get dressed or undressed alone. There are 25+ steps at my office that I have to face at least twice a day. I get about 5 steps up, one foot at a time and I have to stop to steady myself. My leg gets shaky and numb. My toes tingle. I take the next 5 and the same thing happens. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, my hip and butt are on fire and I feel like I just climbed Mt. Everest. I use a heating pad off and on at work and at home. I alternate with ice at home. That seems to help a little. As long as I don't get any crazy ideas about moving even one square inch of my body for about an hour after I feel that smidgen of relief. I'm tempted to count how many times I grunt, grasp for a breath, or let out sighs of relief during the day. Not only am I tired, exhausted and just worn out from feeling this way all day, every day. I'm so frustrated.
All I've done for the last several weeks, aside from the pain I'm enduring...is complain. I've always been one to take a step back and try to see the big picture before I freak out. That has been the biggest challenge during this trimester of pain and frustration. There have been so many challenges and fears throughout this pregnancy but it wasn't until now that I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have 8-9 weeks to go so why can't I just focus on that? Before I know it, it'll all be over and I'll be holding this little angel in my arms, thinking of nothing but how much I love him and how glad I am that he's finally here. Will I say, "it was all worth it", like I did after the first two? Up until a few weeks ago, maybe. I think I'm more likely to say, "There is no way I'd go through that again". Maybe because I already have 2 healthy children. (Well, one child, one adult!!) Or maybe once my mind isn't clouded by pain and frustration, I'll realize how lucky we are to have been able to take this journey one more time and bring this little baby into our world. This is, after all, what I've wanted for the last 11 years or so.
Through all the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion I can feel him moving all over, rolling around, kicking, jerking, punching. Nothing I'm going through seems to be bothering him one little bit! Any time I'm sitting idol, my hands are on my tummy. I keep stopping while I'm typing this just to feel him moving and shaking. It's a constant, positive reminder that all of this...stuff...this crap that I've been going through is going to result in something so amazing and so fantastic that it WILL all be worth it in the end.
He likes music, all kinds. He likes it when someone talks to him. He likes it when I rub my belly, in circles. We sometimes play a little game. I'll put my hands on my belly and wait for him to move. Then I'll push somewhere or rub somewhere and remove my hands. He reacts by kicking or pushing in that area. And sometimes, when I feel like I need it the most, he just rolls a little to let me know he's okay in there.
My Dr. says he won't let me go until August 3rd because he doesn't want me to deliver a 10 lb. baby. Apparently he's getting pretty big already. And if the pain in my hip doesn't subside before delivery, he might have to take him via c-section. I hope it doesn't come to that. But whatever happens, I just hope baby is okay. Until then, I'll just take it day by day and hope for the best.
If you've been following this blog...thank you for taking the time to read it. And thank you for the kind words of love and encouragement. And I'd also like to thank the people that have come to my aid in one way or another over the last few weeks or months. You are my rocks and I love you. xoxo
I can't believe I've already been pregnant for 219 days!
My baby shower is in 6 days and I feel so unorganized. I'm worried about how I'll feel, physically. I guess it's a good thing I have so many loving, helping hands that plan to be around for it!!
The Sciatica is still here. Some days are better than others, but that sharp pain that turns into spasms and radiating pain for hours or days just won't go away. I hope my Dr. is right. I hope that once I have the baby (or if I'm lucky, before), it'll subside. Do you know how hard it is to sit down to pee?? To get up off the couch? To get in and out of my car?? To bend over and reach for something in the refrigerator? I can't push. I can't pull. I can't pivot to the left, only the right. I can't lift a pillow without calculating every move, every step. I can't get dressed or undressed alone. There are 25+ steps at my office that I have to face at least twice a day. I get about 5 steps up, one foot at a time and I have to stop to steady myself. My leg gets shaky and numb. My toes tingle. I take the next 5 and the same thing happens. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, my hip and butt are on fire and I feel like I just climbed Mt. Everest. I use a heating pad off and on at work and at home. I alternate with ice at home. That seems to help a little. As long as I don't get any crazy ideas about moving even one square inch of my body for about an hour after I feel that smidgen of relief. I'm tempted to count how many times I grunt, grasp for a breath, or let out sighs of relief during the day. Not only am I tired, exhausted and just worn out from feeling this way all day, every day. I'm so frustrated.
All I've done for the last several weeks, aside from the pain I'm enduring...is complain. I've always been one to take a step back and try to see the big picture before I freak out. That has been the biggest challenge during this trimester of pain and frustration. There have been so many challenges and fears throughout this pregnancy but it wasn't until now that I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have 8-9 weeks to go so why can't I just focus on that? Before I know it, it'll all be over and I'll be holding this little angel in my arms, thinking of nothing but how much I love him and how glad I am that he's finally here. Will I say, "it was all worth it", like I did after the first two? Up until a few weeks ago, maybe. I think I'm more likely to say, "There is no way I'd go through that again". Maybe because I already have 2 healthy children. (Well, one child, one adult!!) Or maybe once my mind isn't clouded by pain and frustration, I'll realize how lucky we are to have been able to take this journey one more time and bring this little baby into our world. This is, after all, what I've wanted for the last 11 years or so.
Through all the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion I can feel him moving all over, rolling around, kicking, jerking, punching. Nothing I'm going through seems to be bothering him one little bit! Any time I'm sitting idol, my hands are on my tummy. I keep stopping while I'm typing this just to feel him moving and shaking. It's a constant, positive reminder that all of this...stuff...this crap that I've been going through is going to result in something so amazing and so fantastic that it WILL all be worth it in the end.
He likes music, all kinds. He likes it when someone talks to him. He likes it when I rub my belly, in circles. We sometimes play a little game. I'll put my hands on my belly and wait for him to move. Then I'll push somewhere or rub somewhere and remove my hands. He reacts by kicking or pushing in that area. And sometimes, when I feel like I need it the most, he just rolls a little to let me know he's okay in there.
My Dr. says he won't let me go until August 3rd because he doesn't want me to deliver a 10 lb. baby. Apparently he's getting pretty big already. And if the pain in my hip doesn't subside before delivery, he might have to take him via c-section. I hope it doesn't come to that. But whatever happens, I just hope baby is okay. Until then, I'll just take it day by day and hope for the best.
If you've been following this blog...thank you for taking the time to read it. And thank you for the kind words of love and encouragement. And I'd also like to thank the people that have come to my aid in one way or another over the last few weeks or months. You are my rocks and I love you. xoxo
I can't believe I've already been pregnant for 219 days!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)