Small beginnings

Part 2, the aftermath.

Labor is so...awesome. I bet you thought I was going to say something horrible, huh? Well everyone knows it hurts. But man...you can't compare those first few minutes after birth to anything in existence.  You also can't compare the pain, but it's so worth it in the end.

When we came home from the hospital my first fear was how the dogs would act. And I was right. They were lunatics. Baby was sweet but she kept pushing all of her 90 lbs. into the baby, forcefully. I know she meant well, but she's a brute. Max is only about 25 lbs but he is young and dumb, much like the average teenager. He doesn't know what the hell he wants or how he feels or what to do in any given situation. And most of the time, he's wrong. How's that for a perfect analogy?! Honestly, I sat on the couch and I thought he was going to eat Tanner. Stupid fur ball! I love him to pieces...but I really wanted to throw him through a wall.  Here we are 5 weeks later and he still doesn't know how to act.  I smell an adoption on the horizon, Maximus! Get your crap together! Really, he doesn't know if he should protect Tanner or complain that he isn't the baby any more (be jealous!). I just want him to relax....but he has little man syndrome.  Not gonna happen.

The first week was good. We made a few stops so Mr. T could meet some of his family. That Saturday we went to Monsoon Lagoon. Gabe took a friend there to celebrate his 12th birthday. That night we went to the drive in and the following day we went to Maumee Bay. The next few weeks were no different, busy, lots of visiting and lots of baby smoochin'. We made a trip to the art museum, a couple birthday parties and had quite a few visitors at our house.  We made the rounds at my office and the court houses to show off as well.  Everyone just fell in love with him, as I knew they would. The first thing everyone mentions is his super blonde hair and how long he is. "He looks like a toddler!" lol

I met with our nanny, Teresa a few times. She's very nice.  I like her a lot. She has 3 girls. Her middle child goes to school with Gabe. The oldest is in high school and the youngest is about 7 months old. Teresa is my age too.  I'm a firm believer in 'what's meant to be will be' and 'everything happens for a reason.'  It's funny what's put in our path sometimes. I'm really glad I found her. :-) Today was Tanner's second day with her and so far, so good! He's not eating as much as he has been but he's been gassy and snotty so I understand. Poor dude.

Tanner's first Dr. visit was pretty eventful, though not at first. Everything was pretty routine until Dr. Burlingame asked how the breast feeding was going. I told him Tanner fed better on one side than the other. Upon a physical inspection he said, "I'm 95% sure the reason he doesn't feed well on that side is because he's uncomfortable. I think he broke his collar bone." Barry and I were both white as a ghost and fighting tears as we stared at each other. He sent us right away for an xray and it was confirmed, broken. Great. I broke my baby. The bad ass, champion pusher used excessive force and broke her baby!!! Dr. Burlingame said it's common with big babies, like Tanner and that because his bones are soft, he'll heal fast. He reassured us that Tanner wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable in certain positions.  Every time I looked at this precious little angel I teared up. The guilt was quite overwhelming. There was no treatment, just suggestions to keep his arm bent and tight to his side for a couple weeks. By the time we went to Tanner's one month appointment, it was pretty well healed. When we left the hospital after he was born, his weight dipped down to about 8 lbs., 4 oz. He was back to 8 lbs., 10 oz by one week old and 9 lbs., 11 oz. by 2 weeks old. This past Friday, at one month old....he was a whopping 11 lbs., 4 oz.! That's my little linebacker!! And ironically, my father in law pointed out something we hadn't noticed yet.  Tanner's initials are TD Silver (Touch Down Silver!). Looks like we might just have a football player on our hands!

I decided to go back to work a week early. I've felt great since I had Tanner and he seems to be doing pretty good too.  I didn't want to have to use any vacation days at work since I stopped working a week before I delivered. Tanner is doing great with Teresa and so far, I'm good at work. But I will say this...I honestly wish there was a way to replace my income from home. I love my job. I have a lot of pride in what I do and how long I've been doing it.  But more than anything in this world...I wish I could be home with the boys. It was so great being with Gabe and Tanner all day before Gabe headed back to school. Barry said he's always believed that if possible, both parents should work. He never thought he'd want a stay at home wife.  But after coming home every day to me and the boys, he wished it was possible. A couple days ago he was talking to our neighbor who sells insurance and does medical billing from home. She's a great neighbor and a really sweet person.  She wants to talk to me to see if it's something I'd be interested in. Although I wish I could do some legal typing from home, I'm not opposed to the medical billing thing. I can type over 100 words per minute so that seems to be a great line of work for me. I don't know about the insurance sales. I'm not a sales person. I don't like pressuring people. And I don't have a good poker face. I get nervous and I feel like people might have a hard time trusting what I say about their 'insurance' needs. I know how I am when someone tries to sell me something I don't think I can afford! Oh, come on 'angel of prosperity'....show me the light!!!

Tanner was finally able to meet his sister, Autumn! She came to visit 2 weekends in a row!! Hopefully in the near future, she'll move to Toledo so we can all see more of her!! Caleb is still in basic training...which I'm not entirely handling all too well. I miss my boy.  I worry about him. I know he made a good decision and he'll only benefit from it. He graduates in a couple weeks and we're going down to Georgia to see him.  Barry can't get off work but my step mom, Jody is going with Tanner and I.  I hate having to take more time off work so soon... but he only graduates from basic training once.  And he's counting on mom to be there. Who am I to disappoint?

Aside from burping and farting constantly, Tanner hasn't gotten his days and nights straightened out quite yet. We're trying but man, it's tough!! Most mornings I feel like I never did fall asleep and rarely get a chance to nap with him. Now that I'm back to work I can kiss that possibility goodbye! Some days, when I'm really tired and frustrated I just cry. And sometimes, Tanner cries right along with me. But it's okay because once I let it out, I feel better and I know he does too. :-) Now that we're cruising right along with these new routines, getting Tanner's schedule on track should be right around the corner. Until then, 3am and 5am feedings are like precious gems... He sticks out his bottom lip and clings to me while I rock him and tell him stories about mean old boogers (he's been pretty boogery the last few days) and lost loved ones. Barry tries to sing to him but he can never remember all the lyrics. It's bittersweet ....he makes it up as he goes and Tanner falls in love every time, staring at him and smiling. I hate to see him sad or uncomfortable but I'm in no hurry. I'm going to enjoy every second of him being brand new and perfect as long as I can. After everything we went through, everything I went through to get him here...the dream is finally a reality.

Here's to the next 18 years....good grief...Autumn will be 38, Caleb will be 37, and Gabe will be 30 when Tanner turns 18. What was I thinking??????? It's a good thing I don't look or act my age. Bwa ha ha ha ha...

Labor and delivery...the whole shebang!

There is so much to say, I don't even know where to start.  I think I'll split this into two separate blog entries.

LABOR AND DELIVERY...the whole shebang!

I had an appointment July 25th to see how my body was progressing since the visit a week prior. Not much was happening. I was a little more thinned out and a little more dilated, but not enough to celebrate. Dr. Gibbs said he was going to induce the following Monday if things didn't happen on their own. At this point, I was a seconds away from a complete mental breakdown due to the stress my body was under from Ninja baby and the fact that he told me he could induce at 39 weeks...which was Saturday, not Monday.  I asked "why not Saturday?" He said he would check availability at the hospital and let me know.  Leaving that office I didn't know if I wanted to cry, scream or just go take a nap.

Oooh...this is gonna hurt...

My last day of work was Friday, July 19th. I honestly couldn't walk up the stairs one more time. And if I tried...I may have had to just plan my labor right there in the office because there was no WAY I'd make it back down! Towels, water and a plush blanket in the conference room, stat!! She's gonna blow!!!! I don't think that would've been conducive to a healthy environment for baby.  And if my bosses thought they saw me at my worst in the last 14 years, they would've found out rather quickly how mistaken they were.

I was at the grocery store when I got the call from the nurse confirming my 7:30 a.m. induction....for Saturday, July 27th!! Woo hoo!! When I hung up the phone, reality was clenching at my guts. I was going to have a baby in 2 days. Was I really ready for this? Did I have everything I needed? Did I do everything I needed to do at work? Should I attempt to shave one last time? (This is the point where the weak should stop reading. There is no sugar coating from this point on, folks). Was I a little over indulgent when packing my hospital bag? I should probably re-pack. Where did I put all that paperwork? Did I make a copy of my living will? What the hell were we going to name this big dude? Would the hospital bill really be around $4000? Good grief, did I put the car seat in right? Am I going to remember how to do this? What if he doesn't bond with me right away? What if I get super bad postpartum depression? I wonder who he'll resemble more, me or daddy. I hope everything is okay with him. I just know he's squished up in there. Can I change my mind?

1/2 of my support team....

Drugs are kicking in...

We arrived at the hospital around 7:15 a.m., bag packed (lightly), nerves calm, loving anticipation a plenty and ready to get things started. Nervous is an understatement, but we managed well. The nurses wasted no time getting me situated and giving me the low down on what would transpire in the first few hours. I was so amazed at how calm I was. I thought I'd be a basket case! My sister, mother in law and big brother, Gabe arrived shortly after. By that time I was in my gown and getting my Pit IV. I giggled when the nurse said I was "valvey" because my mother in law is a nurse and she NEVER had trouble getting blood from me. We just smiled at each other and I knew she was thinking the same thing. The nurse had to call someone else in to do my IV after she failed because she was too afraid to try again. As she inspected me and arranged the external monitors for the millionth time, all I could do was stare. I watched the heart rate. I watched my contractions. I moved my bed up and down 87 times for optimal viewing of the monitors. She swore she felt baby's heart beat up pretty high, which I didn't doubt. I told her she was getting a reading from his butt.  She giggled and I repeated what I said. She said she was going to have the 'team' come in to do an ultrasound, just to make sure baby's head was where it was supposed to be.  I tried to explain that he had been 'in position' for months and that he was just a big baby, but she needed concrete evidence. I couldn't see the screen while they did the ultrasound but my mother in laws jaw dropped when she saw how big his feet were and that they were steadily jabbing into my rib cage.  "No wonder you're uncomfortable, look at those things!!". The nurse finally agreed she was getting the reading from his butt and that he was just a big baby, in position and ready to go! Thank goodness!! Let's get'er done!!

Dr. Gibbs came in around 10 a.m. to check on me. He was shocked when he learned they hadn't broke my water yet. "What? Well, let's do this thing!". He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I just love him. He's in his 60's but he's super hip and makes me feel very comfortable and confident in his work. A little crazy, I know. But he's my fave. He jumped out of his seat and ran frantically around the room, opening doors and drawers looking for his 'tools'. He then stopped for a second and realized he would need some helping hands so he hollered out the door..."can I get some more hands in here ladies? Hey....girls....hands...let's do this!" I thought he might be even more excited than I was at that point! It took him all of 10 seconds to break my water, wish me luck and head out the door, promising to be back soon to check on me. He had a couple other patients in labor to check on as well as a couple at another hospital across town. Busy guy, that man.

The contractions were steady but bearable for several hours. I believe it was around 4pm or so when I asked if they could do the epidural.  The last 10 contractions before the Epi were bad enough that I howled out in pain and Gabe was not having it! He asked me to let him know if I was going to cry because he wanted to leave the room if that was the case. He didn't want to see me cry. Sweet little dude. The nurse had them wait behind the curtain, mostly so Gabe didn't have to see me cry. The Epi was quick and as the nurse tried to get me comfortable on my bed she rolled up a towel to put under one side to keep me off my back. I told my sister to watch the monitors and let me know if she saw the heart beat drop or anything else alarming. Shortly after the Epi the nurse noticed the heart beat dropping and calmly said she was going to put me on my left side to try to get the heart rate back up. This happened with Caleb so I wasn't really worried. Once I got on my side, the heart rate dropped even more. The nurse became a little less steady with her hands and said she was going to roll me to my right side because baby didn't like me on my left. The heart rate dropped again and suddenly was GONE! Frantically she pulled at the nurse call string, ripping it out of the wall and pushing some other buttons to get more help. She kept repeating in a somehow slightly controlled but still frantic voice that she needed more hands. About 5 or 6 other people came filing into the room, sending everyone but Barry packing. He was just shoved to the back of the room, where I could barely make eye contact with him. I was scared, worried, sad, mad, confused, half out of it from the drugs and fighting the serious shower of tears hiding behind my eyes. They threw an oxygen mask on my face and put the sensor on my finger all while talking to each other but not saying a word to me. I knew it had to do with the baby's heart beat....but I didn't know what they were doing. I then realized they were trying to position me in a way that was favorable for baby and get the internal monitors in. Let me just say that it is not fun to have 6 sets of hands up in your business. One of the nurses appeared to be just over the ripe old age of 12. She did the internal monitor for my contractions. The entire time I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and just...off.  Something wasn't right. They found baby's heart beat, though it was a lot lower than it had been with the external monitor and things calmed down. Barry was again at my side and my nurse was much less frantic. I told her that the contractions didn't look right on the monitor and she sort of dismissed it.  I mentioned it again so she checked and sure enough, baby's head moved the monitor so she had to redo it. Why did I open my big mouth?? Please keep your hands out of my vajayjay until Ninja baby is ready to karate chop his way into the world, m-kay? Yep, my split personality had kicked in. One minute I was calm and overjoyed and the next I was Momzilla! The pit felt like it was wearing off and I swore I'd asked the nurse at least a dozen times how to make it kick in again.  Apparently she told me several times (oops...) that all I had to do was push the button on my right.  "Oh. You mean that button that has been dangling from a cord next to my right eyebrow for a few hours now?" I thought that was the nurse call button. As I shook with chills and my teeth chattered uncontrollably I wondered if pushing that button was such a great idea. The Pit made me feel like I was in an icebox. But I loved that it worked like a charm! I felt little to nothing from my armpits to my toes for the longest time. It would wear off after a while but only on the right side.  Hmmm.  Around 7:30 p.m. the nurse checked me and said I was about 7 cm. Dr. Gibbs came in shortly after. He checked me and said I was at 9 cm! He started getting everything ready and told me to push if I felt like I needed to. Well, I sort of felt some pressure, but the Pit was still going strong...on the left side. :-/ The internal monitors weren't registering a reading any more so I had to just put my hands on my belly and when it tightened up I knew I was having a contraction. Half way though the contractions I could feel them on my right side but never knew when they were starting. Baby wasn't crowning yet (I opted for the mirror....some people would rather be shot. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with my who-ha at all times!), but he was definitely ready! The first few pushes felt worthless from my perspective...but I had great cheer leaders! They kept telling me I was a champion pusher, a rockstar, bad ass and all that jazz.  Of course, they knew I needed to hear that so I wouldn't give up. If I knew what they thought they knew at that moment, I might have been too scared to push! Ninja baby was so close but I still couldn't see hair! I wanted to see hair!! Push #8 brought him front and center! At first the nurses thought he didn't have much hair but then Dr. Gibbs said, "Oh yes he does, and it's blonde!" I couldn't tell from the distance I was from him but it didn't surprise me because Gabe was blonde.  He asked if the 'little' guy had a name yet and to my surprise, Barry beat me to it...."Yes. It's Tanner. I guess I'll agree with 'Tanner'". I couldn't speak. I mouthed to him, "I love you!!!" I can't tell you how ecstatic I am that he agreed with that name!!! YES!!! 3 more pushes and out he came, big and beautiful as could be!! Dr. Gibbs held him up (upside down!), showing me the goods for a moment and said, "Look at THAT! Here he is, mom...here's your little line backer!". Tanner had a ton of blond hair all matted to his head but he was absolutely perfect.  All I could say is, "He is so beautiful!!" as I cried my eyeballs out! My ninja baby was here! They took him over to be cleaned up and weighed after I got in a few good smooches.  We were all a little surprised when they called out the numbers..."4 point something kilograms...".  As we waited for the conversion on pins and needles Barry and I just looked at each other, teary-eyed and so relieved that everything went so well.  "9 lbs., 2 oz.", the other nurse called out.  Even Dr. Gibbs was bug-eyed! Holy .....linebacker!! Then we had to wait for his length...23".  Wow!! I seriously just birthed a toddler.

As my placenta was being birthed (I was oblivious and had no idea it was done), the nurse was doing something (Which I was also oblivious to) and made a 'shock and awe' face to the other nurse.  She muttered some nurse terminology while she sort of massaged my tummy. That's when I thought she was assisting in the placenta extraction...but Dr. Gibbs was already half way through stitching me up. "Just doubling up, Sami. You have some 4th degree bruising and tearing, internally and externally. You are one amazing little momma." The nurse was apparently taking some sort of measurement of the placement of my uterus or something. She couldn't believe how skinny I was already!! Pardon my gloating. I wasn't unhappy to hear that!! I tried to tell them for months it was going to be a big baby. I knew he was bigger than Gabe, I just knew it! Gabe was 8 lbs., 15 oz. But it took me a year to lose the last 40 lbs. after him! Dr. Gibbs said he knew Tanner would be over 8 lbs. but even HE was a little surprised. He said later that if he had known just how big Tanner was going to be, he may have opted for the C-section.

Tanner's poor little face around his nose and mouth were all bruised when he came out. Apparently he was pretty squished in there, as I had thought all along. Who knew the little ninja was going to be so dang long!?!? His little face was right up against my pelvic bone and here I am, champion pusher and all....smashing him right down into it and bruising his perfect little face.  Some mother, eh? No wonder he stopped breathing when I was on my side. He had no room to turn his face so he could breathe. I could cry right now just thinking about it. I'm so sorry, Tanner.  Mommy loves you, I promise. xoxo

They had to wheel me to my recovery room on a gurney because I couldn't stand to get in a wheel chair. My left side was still numb! They had to put in a catheter because I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. Pardon me but that sucked ass!! In fact, it sucked ass until 3 p.m. the next day when they finally removed it!!! Granted, my left side from my arm pit to my toes was numb until 7:30 a.m. or so but I was a little pissed that they waited until 3 in the afternoon to remove it!! Dr. Gibbs came in fairly early and asked if I wanted to go home that day but I didn't see that happening since I still had that damn catheter in. He said they would be in soon to remove it but it was hours after that. I decided to stay because he said I could leave first thing the following morning. After the catheter came out I was still not walking steady and I was worried about stairs and balance.  The next morning came quickly, but not without a dozen or so interruptions from the nurses all night long and I was up, showered and ready to go by 7:30 a.m.!! We literally waited ALL day for the magic words, "You can go home now". Finally, Dr. Gibbs came in around 7:30....P.M.!!!! He apologized because his colleague was supposed to sign out his patients that morning but there was some 'communication issues'. I'll say! By the time all the paperwork was signed and we finally got home it was after 9:30 p.m.

Much like Gabe, picking a middle name for Tanner was a little bit easier than agreeing on a first name. Barry picked 3 middle names, Eli, Declan (pronounced Deck-lin) and Jace. We dismissed Jace first because we didn't want people calling him TJ. Then, at the 11th hour, with the nurse standing at my side, arms out-reached and waiting for the final paperwork....we chose Declan. The nurse was sweet...but I thought if we waited one more second she was going to blow a gasket. lol

Tanner Declan Silver, our little miracle!! What a simply amazing journey it's been! Thank you to everyone who has been a part of it. And thank you, Jesus....he's perfect!

What dreams may come...

Tomorrow will be here in the blink of an eye.  And then, it will be gone.

I've been sitting here with oodles of anticipation for my Dr. appointment tomorrow afternoon because I know the Dr. will check to see if there's any progression and I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I want my little ninja baby here, like...yesterday! My hope? I hope I'm dilated to at least 2-3. I want this to happen because he's ready.  I really don't want to be induced and I really, really don't want it to result in c-section. The odds of that are slim, but if baby is as big as Doc is anticipating, it's not unreasonable to think it might have to happen. I certainly don't want bigger problems with the slipped disk in my back down the road...so I trust Doc. I know he's looking out for me and for baby.

While I sit and bite my nails, figuratively speaking...because they are acrylics and I wouldn't want to mangle them...I realize that I only have  10-16 days before baby will be here. This is the last baby I will carry. This is the last pregnancy I will experience. In two weeks it will be a whole new world.  And in two months, new milestones. In two years...no more baby, welcome to toddler-hood. Before I know it, it'll all be just a dream...a memory. I don't know if my boys know how much I've loved them every single moment of every single day of their existence but I feel compelled to tell them and show them much, much more. I know they see all the attention baby and I are getting but I hope they know that they too were in the baby bump spot light at one time. Now they're in the pre-teen and adult child spot light. Not as exciting, I know.  But they own it, let me tell you.

Tomorrow I'll find out whether or not labor is right around the corner. If not, I'll have to be induced and I'm hoping beyond hope that I don't have to be. I was induced with Caleb and Pitocin is no fun. Period. Gabe was a piece of cake compared to Caleb in the labor and delivery department. Hopefully this bundle of joy is no worse than somewhere in the middle! I've got all his little clothes cleaned and put away. I've got all the necessities ready for him at home. The car seat is installed and my hospital bag is mostly packed. I have a list so Barry can help me at the last minute if necessary. I informed the bosses that my last day would be July 26th unless baby decides to come sooner. Today I was wondering if sooner would be....TODAY! The Braxton Hicks contractions are serious today.  If I was timing them, which I haven't been because I've been pretty busy at work, they would be coming about 10-12 per hour. But they aren't consistent, every hour. And the space in between varies. So I know they aren't the real thing yet. I do, however, hope that they are helping to make some progress in baby's journey. 37 weeks and 4 days today, counting every second!!

I'm so going to miss this.

Pregnancy brain, full force!

This has been such a busy year, already! 5 more days and my baby turns 19! Holy cow!! I can't believe I have an adult child. Craziness. The graduation party/open house is Sunday too.  I feel so unorganized for this thing!!! My OCD has me wanting to check and recheck all 10 of the checklists I have going right now. I just know I'm going to forget something. I have a lot of helping hands so it should be ok. Hopefully. Lord help me. I'm such a worry wart! I just want it to go smoothly for Caleb. I only have 13 more days with him before he leaves for basic training.

I can't even believe how grown up he is. Ok. My heart hurts. Let's talk about baby for a minute.

The baby shower went well. I was glad we had a smaller amount of people show up. About 1/2 way through it I was completely uncomfortable, overheated, sore and super tired. But I was sooooo grateful for all the people that showed up, the ones that sent gifts who couldn't make it and the amazing gifts everyone gave.  I still haven't gotten the thank you notes out....but they're done! I swear! Pregnancy brain example #1. I just keep forgetting to stop and get stamps!!! Ugh!

This baby will not be needing clothes until he is about a year old....depending on how rapidly he grows. Between my obsession with garage sales and mom 2 mom sales, all the awesome clothes we received as gifts and the hand me downs...we're good. Last Saturday I not only went through all his clothes but I organized everything and inventoried so I could return duplicates and see what all I still need to get. I just ordered the baby bath, a diaper bag, a hanging organizer, some swim pants and some Orajel today. When I get my 10% of coupon for Babies R Us I'll be getting some other necessities, like bottles!! I think I have enough to cover what I still want to get: bottles, a bottle brush, a dishwasher basket, a changing pad and cover, safety latches for drawers and doors, and maybe a bedding set. I have some blankets and sheets but I want to get bumpers and a cute set for the crib. I'm going to have to get some baby laundry soap and get all this stuff washed soon too.  Baby will be here sooner than we know and poor dude won't have any clean duds. I put together all his toys and gadgets and I now know how to use them all. Whew! Some of the assembly process wasn't pretty.  Good thing I was all by myself trying to figure it out, otherwise, I'd have to actually admit it wasn't easy. ;-) Honestly, it wasn't. But that was mostly due to the fact that I had to do the majority of it from a seated position because of my sore bum!! But who's the mamma? This girl.

I didn't get to paint the room and Gabe still has some lingering belongings in there...but I'm okay with it at this point. Gabe and Caleb never had a decorated nursery so I'm already spoiling little ninja baby.

5-6 weeks to go and D-day still feels so far away.  I have a list but haven't packed my bags yet. I don't even know what to take, really. I'm keeping it simple though.  Ha! I say that now. Wait until Barry's carrying that bag into the hospital, shaking his head, asking what the hell I packed in that sucker.  I can hear him now..."are you sure you didn't forget something? Like, the kitchen sink or a spare tire for the car?" You can thank Grandma Runyan for that. She taught me how to be a pack rat. It isn't hoarding status or anything....I just have a hard time letting go of some things or thinking I'm forgetting something.  So I tend to....over do it sometimes. Ha!

Well, I'm off to see Dr. Gibbs to find out when he's doing my final ultrasound. We'll find out how big Ninja baby is getting and how long he's going to let me go before he induces. Apparently baby is above the 98th percentile already with a big head and belly.  I really wish he'd be a little less vague about how long he thinks he'll let me go. I need dates, Doc. Stat. I need to know like, yesterday. Okay. I'll try to be more patient.

Hurry up Ninja Baby!!!

Light at the end of the gestational tunnel

What a ride it's been.

My baby shower is in 6 days and I feel so unorganized. I'm worried about how I'll feel, physically. I guess it's a good thing I have so many loving, helping hands that plan to be around for it!!

The Sciatica is still here. Some days are better than others, but that sharp pain that turns into spasms and radiating pain for hours or days just won't go away. I hope my Dr. is right. I hope that once I have the baby (or if I'm lucky, before), it'll subside.  Do you know how hard it is to sit down to pee?? To get up off the couch? To get in and out of my car?? To bend over and reach for something in the refrigerator? I can't push. I can't pull. I can't pivot to the left, only the right. I can't lift a pillow without calculating every move, every step. I can't get dressed or undressed alone. There are 25+ steps at my office that I have to face at least twice a day. I get about 5 steps up, one foot at a time and I have to stop to steady myself. My leg gets shaky and numb. My toes tingle. I take the next 5 and the same thing happens. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, my hip and butt are on fire and I feel like I just climbed Mt. Everest. I use a heating pad off and on at work and at home. I alternate with ice at home. That seems to help a little.  As long as I don't get any crazy ideas about moving even one square inch of my body for about an hour after I feel that smidgen of relief. I'm tempted to count how many times I grunt, grasp for a breath, or let out sighs of relief during the day. Not only am I tired, exhausted and just worn out from feeling this way all day, every day.  I'm so frustrated.

All I've done for the last several weeks, aside from the pain I'm enduring...is complain. I've always been one to take a step back and try to see the big picture before I freak out.  That has been the biggest challenge during this trimester of pain and frustration. There have been so many challenges and fears throughout this pregnancy but it wasn't until now that I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I only have 8-9 weeks to go so why can't I just focus on that? Before I know it, it'll all be over and I'll be holding this little angel in my arms, thinking of nothing but how much I love him and how glad I am that he's finally here.  Will I say, "it was all worth it", like I did after the first two? Up until a few weeks ago, maybe. I think I'm more likely to say, "There is no way I'd go through that again". Maybe because I already have 2 healthy children. (Well, one child, one adult!!) Or maybe once my mind isn't clouded by pain and frustration, I'll realize how lucky we are to have been able to take this journey one more time and bring this little baby into our world. This is, after all, what I've wanted for the last 11 years or so.

Through all the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion I can feel him moving all over, rolling around, kicking, jerking, punching. Nothing I'm going through seems to be bothering him one little bit! Any time I'm sitting idol, my hands are on my tummy. I keep stopping while I'm typing this just to feel him moving and shaking. It's a constant, positive reminder that all of this...stuff...this crap that I've been going through is going to result in something so amazing and so fantastic that it WILL all be worth it in the end.

He likes music, all kinds. He likes it when someone talks to him. He likes it when I rub my belly, in circles.  We sometimes play a little game.  I'll put my hands on my belly and wait for him to move. Then I'll push somewhere or rub somewhere and remove my hands.  He reacts by kicking or pushing in that area.  And sometimes, when I feel like I need it the most, he just rolls a little to let me know he's okay in there.

My Dr. says he won't let me go until August 3rd because he doesn't want me to deliver a 10 lb. baby. Apparently he's getting pretty big already. And if the pain in my hip doesn't subside before delivery, he might have to take him via c-section. I hope it doesn't come to that.  But whatever happens, I just hope baby is okay. Until then, I'll just take it day by day and hope for the best.

If you've been following this blog...thank you for taking the time to read it. And thank you for the kind words of love and encouragement.  And I'd also like to thank the people that have come to my aid in one way or another over the last few weeks or months.  You are my rocks and I love you. xoxo

I can't believe I've already been pregnant for 219 days!

I think I can...I think I can...

Less than 12 weeks to go!

Yesterday I finally went to see a physical therapist about my sciatica. It was getting pretty bad. Friday, when I was leaving work to run my errands, I got about 1/2 way down the stairs and froze. My hip and butt hurt so bad I couldn't move. All I could do was stand there and cry for about 10 minutes. No one else was in the office. There was nothing I could do. My leg started to shake and my toes got numb. I thought I was going to fall, face first, down the rest of the 10 or so stairs. Very scary. I made it, eventually. And I even went back up the stairs and down again before leaving for the day. The physical therapist....freaking hottie, I might add...said my shoulders were even but my right hip was higher than my left. He did a few embarrassing exercises with me to pin point where the pain was originating. There is a muscle in the butt, the Piriformis, that pretty much sits on the sciatic nerve. During pregnancy, a woman's joints soften and the muscles sort of overcompensate and tighten, causing some discomfort in the hips. My Piriformis is tightening right on my sciatic nerve. So this pregnancy is officially a pain in my ass. He doesn't think any of this is caused from a back issue...but said time will tell.

As Dr. Hotness was assessing the problem, I was embarrassed, nervous and in pain pretty much the whole time. He was hotness...I was HOT MESS! Ugh. He reassured me that it wasn't uncommon and in time, the pain would lessen and likely disappear once I gave birth. Well, that's a relief. I only have to hobble for 12 more weeks, at the most. I have to go back one more time this week and then 3 x a week until one of us decides I'm good to do the exercises on my own and my hips have squared. Our insurance is pretty crappy so I probably won't go after next week. We'll see how I feel.

Today I saw my Ob for my regular appointment. He was happy that my numbers were low enough to pass the 3 hour glucose test but he's still concerned. He said based on the results, he's worried my body doesn't process sugar well during pregnancy and wants me to continue to watch my diet. Little to no sugar/carbs. I only gained 2 lbs. in a month. I thought I was doing pretty good. He said his main concern is that if I continue without watching my sugar/carb intake, baby will be 9-10 lbs. by delivery. Ouch. I have big babies anyway so I guess I better follow his orders! He also thinks I'll deliver at 38-39 weeks. My uterus is still measuring a little big for this stage but baby is good.  I asked him if I should be concerned about the Braxton Hicks and he said not unless I start to have 5 an hour, or more. Well, ok. If you say so, Doc.

Our yet-to-be-named Ninja baby is mighty active so I'm not worried about him too much. This boy packs some power in those punches and kicks! And when he wants to move, he makes sure nothing gets in his way. He's like...the Hulk. Ha! Now I'm picturing a little green, muscle baby wreaking havoc in the womb.

The baby shower is in 26 days! I'm feeling a little funny thinking there are people that will find it bad manners or something that I'm having a shower for my 3rd baby. I realize they are all boys...so to some it might seem crazy.  But it's been 12 years. Is it really THAT crazy? This is our last baby and I'm literally starting from scratch. I guess if they feel that strongly, they shouldn't come to the shower.  Personally, I think every baby is worthy of a celebration. But, to each his own.

In approximately 81 days, I'll be holding this little dude in my arms and thanking God for him. We've been waiting a very long time for you, Ninja baby. We're so close!!! I love you so much, already. We got this!!!

Milestones and more

26 weeks, 3days.

Hitting the 24 week mark was amazing. At 24 weeks they consider the fetus viable, meaning, he could live outside the womb but likely not without complications. Gabe has asked me several times throughout this pregnancy what day we would know for sure that the baby was really coming. After watching me go through the miscarriages I think he just wanted to make sure that it wasn't going to happen again. Well, April 13 was that day. At 25 weeks I met another great milestone! I could finally see my belly beyond my ginormous boobs!! I still have to lean over a little to see it though. lol The following Tuesday, April 16th I saw Dr. Gibbs for my follow up from our last appointment. To my surprise, they hadn't scheduled the ultrasound. We talked about a few things, nothing major and he had them schedule me to come back in later that afternoon for an ultrasound so he could check the cyst and my amniotic fluid. Although, he did say that his measurement of my uterus was right where it should be. The 5 hours in between those two appointments was quite the nail biting experience. Baby was active but still cooperative for the tech. We were giggling because he kept kicking right where the doppler touched my belly. And hard!! By the end of the session it took everything I had not to just scream out my relief and excitement! Baby's cyst was GONE!!!! The amniotic fluid was measuring within normal limits and every other measurement she took was right where it should be for 24 weeks, 3days! She estimated his weight around 1lb 12oz and his heartbeat was 143 bpm. He looked so happy in there!!

Before I left Dr. Gibbs gave me orders for more blood work. I had to do my one hour glucose test. Bleck! He said anytime in a two week time frame but I figured the sooner the better. I couldn't do it that day because I would've failed for sure based on the breakfast I had. The following week Gabe had an appointment to see a podiatrist so I figured I'd go after that since I had already taken the time off work. I couldn't find a number for the lab anywhere but swore they were open until 7pm. WRONG! I got there at 4:37 p.m. and they closed at 5. The nurse said they didn't have time to do the 1 hr. test so I'd have to come back. That blows. I made it back Saturday (this past) only to find out that lab is closed on Saturdays. The good news is that it's in the hospital and they have another one. It took me a minute to find it but after much waddling, I made it. My Dr's. office is closed over the weekend so I had to wait until Monday morning to call in for results. I failed.

With my boys, I passed the one hour and never had to take it again. I tried so hard for 2 days to eat super healthy, low sugar, low carb, lots of water....and I failed. I don't know how to feel except worried. I know they worry about birth weight but my other two boys were big and I didn't have gestational diabetes. This baby is bound to be big, regardless. He's already above average in weight by the tech's calculations. I read that about 18% of pregnant women have gestational diabetes. That seems kind of high to me. I realize that the probability of it disappearing by the time I deliver is good. I just worry about complications for baby. I've done everything that I could to ensure a healthy living environment for him so far. I've had a bowl of ice cream here or there.  But I thought I was doing so good. :-(

Baby moves around all the time now, which is great! I've recently nicknamed him ninja baby. Sometimes I swear it feels like he's already trying to escape or something. The movement is very reassuring. He hasn't been moving as much yesterday and today, but he's moving.  I've also noticed more Braxton Hicks contractions. I know that's what they are because they are slightly painful and they make me nauseous. Yesterday I felt them 12 times. No pattern.  This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster ride. I really hope that I pass the next glucose test. I'm trying, baby Silver, I'm trying. xoxo

Caleb's senior prom is this weekend so that will keep me preoccupied for a little while. I've been doing a bunch of planning for his party the end of June too. The baby shower is a little over a month away and everything is coming along great. Invitations will go out this weekend. I'm excited and anxious. :-) I guess I'll just try to focus on keeping busy for now and continue to do the best I can with my diet for ninja baby.  Not that he is having any problem packing on the pounds just yet. And anyone with any advice about gestational diabetes, please feel free to share. 

Thanks for reading and stay tuned...

Inhale...Exhale...Rub the tummy...

Every day of this pregnancy has been a milestone for me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about one thing or another. With my other pregnancies, I was never monitored so closely and never knew so much about what was happening with baby or with my body. I knew what I had to know and I had two healthy boys. I've since come to the conclusion that knowing is both a blessing and a curse.

I once had a desire to study midwifery. I still think it would be an amazing job but I don't feel I'm in a position to pursue it now. I am beyond fascinated with the way a woman's body works and how a baby grows. I truly believe that if this were a career path I chose to follow, I would be eternally happy. If only I could.

In 137 days, or less I will be looking into a beautiful set of eyeballs and squishing some pretty adorable cheeks. Today is day 143. A few times a day I feel the little booger moving around in there, reminding me that all is well.  When I don't feel him moving around, I get a little...preoccupied, to say the least. After the ultrasound on March 6th I tried not to worry as much since I know my placenta is in front. That makes it much harder to feel. As my Dr. put it, if you knock on the door you can hear it both inside and outside the room. But if you put a mattress up over the door and knock on it, the mattress will absorb the sound. That is very frustrating. I felt Caleb and Gabe both kicking like crazy at this point so it's hard not to worry a little. I've noticed when I do feel this baby kick, I feel it more on the right, which is where he's been this whole pregnancy. I found out at today's ultrasound that my placenta is on the left and in the front, but not completely. I should be able to feel much more movement in the coming days. I can't wait!! They also measured the cyst on baby's brain today. It's still there and hasn't shrunk much but Dr. is hopeful that it will be gone by or before delivery. He's very optimistic, which makes this momma feel much relief!! I realized after doing some research and hearing what the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. said that it wasn't a lot to be concerned about. Dr. Hnat said that he would leave it up to my OB how often to do an ultrasound, to check on the cyst. Today, my OB said he is going to treat my pregnancy as a normal pregnancy and see me in 4 weeks to do a follow up ultrasound. The relief I felt hearing him say that was immeasurable! There was, however, one other thing he discussed with me. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid.  They use a scale of 5-20 for normal readings. My amniotic fluid was at 22.  I asked him what that could mean and his answer somewhat confused me. He said it could be a lot of things. But the only 'thing' he mentioned was that baby could be peeing a lot. He said that the amount of fluid changes regularly, throughout the pregnancy and the next time they check it, it could be significantly lower. Just when I could feel the tears in my eyes starting to well up he said that he wasn't particularly concerned about that either, but he'd keep an eye on it. Overall, I left the office feeling pretty good. There will always be a small amount of worry and fear until I have this precious baby in my arms (and then a whole new set of fears will begin!). But generally, I felt relieved and happy.

As you may have guessed, the first thing I did when I got to work was jump on the internet. What I found is that many Dr's. consider a normal range for amniotic fluid from 5-25. At least I'm within THAT range. Right? I also did some reading about what could cause it to be high and I really shouldn't have done that. Maternal diabetes, twins, chromosomal abnormalities, or a problem with the baby where he can't swallow amniotic fluid. I really hope he's just peeing a lot. But at this point I can rule out twins. This 'condition', having too much amniotic fluid is called polyhydramnios. It can make other pregnancy symptoms feel much worse, like indigestion, heart burn, constipation, swollen legs, varicose veins and stretch marks. It also contributes to the difficulty in feeling baby move around.  Although this is one more thing to worry about, I'm glad my Dr. told me about it. Blessing? Curse? Both, I think. For now, I'll just trust Dr. Gibbs and hope for more kicks until I can see baby again.

I'm sure there will be many other moments that take my breath away, good and bad, before this little bundle arrives. I tend to be the worrisome kind, so I know this. But for every day that goes by, I am one day closer to meeting him. Hugs and kisses, Baby Boy Silver. We got this.

Milestones...more like pebbles...

We made it! On to the shopping!!!

As it pertains to the testing I recently underwent, I'm going to take you through the entire process. If you don't want to know, stop reading now. If you do, grab a chair and get comfy. It might take a minute. ;-)

I decided a couple weeks ago to go ahead and have the Quad screen done, as you know. Honestly, I don't think I put much thought into any outcome other than a good one. Maybe that's what saved my sanity. I don't know. 

The Quad screen is just that, a screen. It will tell you what the possibility is that you could be carrying a child with Down's, Spina Bifida, Trisomy 18 or other chromosome abnormalities. It doesn't just look at the results from the blood test but other factors like the mother's age, ethnicity, etc. The results of this screen will tell Dr.s whether or not it's necessary to do further testing. There are other blood tests out there that are more accurate but they are not standardized tests and will likely not be covered by insurance.  I looked into it and depending on the lab that I use and the test that they do, it would cost between $400-$600.  I opted out of that test. My quad screen gave me a 1:25 chance of having a child with Down's.

We talked a lot about how we felt about the possibility of having a child with chromosome abnormalities of any kind. Yes, it would definitely be hard. It would be somewhat of a lifestyle change for us. I think the most difficult part would be not hurting for that child who would have to face more adversity than the average child because of cruel kids at school and even adults that just don't understand. As mother's we are our children's number one ally. We instinctively do what we do for our children, without waver. It would be no different if I had a child who was a little different from my other children. I would still love that child, unconditionally, with every fiber of my being. I don't believe in abortion and know for a fact that I couldn't live with any decision to terminate. I just couldn't. That would be a much more difficult battle than raising a child with any kind of disability. In my opinion, it would be selfish, in a way. I will never give up on my children for any reason. After all the heartache these last few years with miscarriages and loss, this baby is nothing short of a miracle. And that is how I will treat him, forever.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m.  Shortly after registration was complete we went back to meet with the genetic specialist. She was amazingly kind. She went through our entire family history from our grandparents to our cousins. After she created a chart and went over a few things with us she said that she saw no reason to believe that this baby would have any chromosome abnormalities. That was our first moment to catch a breath. The geneticist went over the markers that they look for in the ultrasound that was about to be performed. There are so many things they look at! The geneticist said that they would only suggest further testing (amniocentesis) if they found any high or mid level markers or 3 or more 'soft' markers.  Our baby had no signs/markers to be concerned about. They look at the fold of skin at the back of the neck that often goes down the spine. Cause for concern is a measurement over 6mm, our baby's was less than 2mm. They look at the heart valves. They look to see whether baby has a nasal bone and what the length is. They look at upper arm and leg bones and spots on the heart. They look for extra fluid in the kidneys. All these things are not things that insure the baby will have Down's. A lot of normal babies have them too.  But if you have several, then they like to do further testing to get a more accurate result for whether or not your baby has Down's. I wanted to get this genetic counseling and ultrasound because I wanted more information. This was the least invasive way to get it. There are a lot of people that would go ahead and do Amniocentesis to get a better, more trustworthy result.  My reasoning for not getting it was that there were no markers and there is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage with Amniocentesis. I've been down that road and it's a less than 1% chance I'm not willing to take. On to the ultrasound....

We were so amazed, once again, to see how much our little peanut had grown!! 

Although the ultrasound took about an hour I didn't want her to stop! Our ultrasound tech was amazing, as well. So sweet!! She talked to us the entire time, telling us what she was measuring. Baby is 9 oz. already! He was moving all over but very cooperative at the same time. She was able to get everything she needed and printed out a few pictures for us. We were very anxious to hear what the Dr. said and very nervous but excited throughout the procedure. Then, when I was about to start crying at the beautiful sight of baby moving around and looking so perfect, he decided to give us the 'thumb's up', I'm convinced to let us know everything was going to be ok. 

I swear it really sent some sort of calm through me. Barry and I made eye contact and I think he had the same 'feeling' I did. What a sweet little gesture. 

We had to wait about 45 minutes to an hour to see the Dr. in a small waiting area no bigger than a phone booth. Ok, it was a little bigger than that. But it was just this cozy little nook off the hall and I kept watching all the couples and mother's walking back and forth, some full of joy, other's with the look of sheer terror on their face. It was quite the nail biting experience. Dr. Gnat finally called us in to the 'consult' room. First, he went over the same things the geneticist went over with us about my quad results, what they mean, what other types of testing there are and what they were looking for in the ultrasound. He explained in a little more detail about the Amniocentesis and other DNA testing that is available, but pricey. I'm glad he did that before he gave us the 'results' or I may not have listened so intently. The Amnio could give us about a 90% accurate answer about whether or not the baby has Down's. But he was also clear about the fact that it was 100% up to us. He started with the numbers. He gave us our baby's measurements and then he gave us the standard they use to measure. Basically he told us that all our baby's measurements were within the normal range. There were no markers because all the measurements were right where they should be for a normal, healthy baby. He did say that sometimes even good results like this result in a baby with some chromosome abnormalities, but it's not often. He showed us some of the photos that the tech took of the organs and bones. Though we were there when she was taking them, it was nice to see them still, on the screen, and have the Dr. point out exactly what she measured and what our baby's measurements were.  He has all his little fingers and toes, all the bones are there, where they should be. Nothing is missing. Nothing is abnormally sized. There was no spots on his beautiful, perfect little heart. His arm and leg bones were perfect. His nose bone was present and measuring perfect. His spine was amazing. His stomach was perfect. His liver was perfect. His head measured perfect. He had awesome looking blood flow to and from the heart and to and from the placenta. His heart rate was 144. His umbilical cord was attached right where it should be with beautiful blood flow. His little butt is so tiny!!! Dr. mentioned that he had a small chin, which is not a big deal and probably just harder to see at this stage. Gabe had a small chin, still does. We could see his little ears!! They are just holes with little flaps of skin forming right now, but beautiful, nonetheless. His brain hemisphere's measured perfect but he did have a little dark spot on the right side. It's called a Choroid Plexus Cyst. They are not uncommon in healthy or DS babies but Dr. Gnat didn't seem worried in the slightest. He said they'll keep an eye on it but that it should go away by the time we give birth. If not, that's okay too. It doesn't ever seem to cause a problem. It was a little worrisome to me because I'd never heard of it before.  And a cyst on the brain sounds like a pretty serious issue if you ask me! But I trust him. From what I'm told and from everything I've read (you could accurately refer to me as a walking fetal encyclopedia these days), he's quite the amazing expert in this area. I just loved this guy!! He told us again that we will always have the option for Amnio, if we want it. He smiled a lot, congratulated us, and wished us the best and asked us one last time, "so, do you want the amnio?" And when we answered "no", he said, "Ok, I didn't think you would". He also told us that he would forward his findings and reports to Dr. Gibbs, my OB. He said he was including a recommendation for me to have ultrasounds every 2-4 week, either in Dr. Gibbs office or there at the hospital. You won't hear me complaining about this because I live for any opportunity to see this little guy growing big and strong!! 

Barry and I were somewhat speechless for the first few minutes after we left the 'consult' room. But I knew when we made eye contact that we were on the same page. "THANK GOD" was about all I could say. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! We got to the car and talked a little about how amazing it was to see baby again and to get such wonderful news. We counted our blessings, for sure. We also decided that we are switching hospitals for delivery. I was going to deliver at Flower, but I've decided to switch to Toledo. It makes sense. It's the Children's Hospital. They have the best specialists in a 500 mile radius or something ridiculous like that. And it's where all our other kids were born. Why break tradition, right? Oh, and most importantly, Dr. Gibbs delivers there too. Yay!!

So here we are. We made it through a pretty stressful week and a half and our dumpling is doing fabulous!! As much as I worried that my body was more ready for menopause than pregnancy, I think we're doing okay. My diet is pretty good....not that I'm on a diet...I just mean I'm doing good following the rules of pregnancy eating. lol No caffeine (except for small traces in some of the food I eat), not too much sugar, no lunch meat unless it's heated (okay, I cheated once and had a turkey sub...and we survived), small, frequent meals, little to no red meat or pork (only because it still makes me sick), lots of fruits and veges, lots of H2O, prego vitamins every day (the gummies, because they're yummy and better on my digestive system!), and a whole lot of rubbing the tummy and talking to baby. He has ears and can hear now, y'all!! He the size of a mango! Actually, according to the charts online, he's already half an ounce bigger than the average 19 week old baby. Yep, 19 weeks...tomorrow!!! Woo hoo! Time to get excited!!!

Let's do this, baby boy Silver!! We got this!

Our little cowboy

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

Our gender ultrasound at My Little Me went very well last night. As soon as the doppler touched my belly the tech yelled, "It's a boy!" He was definitely determined to do two things. Keep us from seeing 'the proof' and make sure we know he's already a show off! He kept grabbing his business or trying to cover it up and he was moving all over the place! I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit surprised. But I guess my mommy intuition was right, once again. And more importantly I will remain outnumbered in the Silver household. Looks like it's time to remodel and add another bathroom!!

I've had a lot of people tell me they thought it was going to be a girl for one reason or another. Most people, in fact. I think they just wanted so badly for me to have a girl because they knew I wanted one, and it's our last baby. I love you all for that!! But you didn't wish hard enough!!! ;-)

He waved to us several times and sucked his thumb a few times. But more than anything he just wanted to play with his business.  Typical boy, I guess! Ha! This one is my favorite. This little tiny foot is so stinking cute. And to make it more adorable, the tech captured a heart shape in the empty space of my uterus. I'm titling this one "footsteps on my heart". Uh, I melt...

As some of you already know we had a little scare this week. I called my Dr. yesterday to see if the results from my Quad screen came in. I didn't know how long it usually took for those results and had no idea they'd be ready. The nurse put me on hold to check and after a few minutes I was shocked to hear my Dr. pick up the line. For those of you that don't know, the quad screen is a maternal blood screening test that looks for 4 substances to determine the risk of Down's Syndrome. This test not only looks at blood results but also age and ethnicity. This test does not signify a problem, only whether or not further testing should be done. The results only tell us the persons chances of having an abnormality, not whether or not they have it.  At my age my results should have been 1:168 or better.  My results were 1:25. I had already done some research because at my age and with my history, it was the smart thing to do. I even talked to Barry about it a little. I chose to do the Quad screen because for me, it was better than wishing I had.  At first, I was terrified when the Dr. gave me those numbers. A million things went through my mind. I have 2 healthy boys that came from 2 healthy pregnancies and have been healthy since I gave birth to them (for the most part). Caleb has had some bronchial issues and Gabe was diagnosed with ADHD, for which we no longer medicate him. Other than that, common colds and the occasional stomach bug. Since 2001, when I had Gabe, I've been pretty healthy myself. Other than some issues that resulted in further testing to find out that basically I'm getting old, I'm good. Honestly, I've said from the beginning that my body was probably more prepared to go through Menopause than pregnancy. But after reading about Down's and hearing other people's stories, I wanted to do the test. And if further testing was needed, we would deal with it at that time. The truth is, I didn't think much past that. I guess I really didn't think I'd get numbers like this. If this were my first pregnancy at this age that number would be even lower, making the odds even further against me. At this point, I believe my age plays a major part. I have an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine specialist on March 6th.  I'm looking forward to it, actually. I want more information and getting it straight from the mouths of the people that deal with it the most is of the utmost importance to me. If anything, I want to be as prepared as I can, for whatever is in store for us and for baby boy Silver. I still have moments where my heart begins to flutter at the idea of anything being less than perfect with my little bean. It hurts. It makes me tear up. It scares the Bejesus out of me. For now, all I can do when I have moments like that...is breathe. And wait. This is my rainbow baby. My little miracle. I will never give up on him. I will never hurt him. I will never, ever stop loving him with my whole heart. I've wanted him for so long and now that I have him, I'm never letting go. I will fight to the ends of the earth for him. I may have days where I can't do that without the support of the one's I love and surround myself with.  So if I call you or text you or Facebook message you because I need someone to virtually bitch slap me, please oblige. I am a strong woman. Of the men in my life I've outlived one, outsmarted one, married two, raised one, am still raising one, and am now creating a third. I will not let this situation dictate the rest of this pregnancy. I will not let it consume me. But I will concede that I am only human and I can't always tell my heart how to feel. Forgive me if I have moment's of weakness, but please, please don't let me fall.

If I've learned anything useful about this test and my results it's that you can't trust it. A lot of women my age get results like this and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. If this baby has Down's, it's not going to change anything, for me. So I'll see the specialist and I'll get the ultrasound.  I will not, however, get the Amniocentesis. Those results won't change anything for me. There is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage with Amniocentesis. That's less than 1% more of a chance than I'm willing to take. If I were to do the Amniocentesis and baby was fine but then I miscarried...I would blame myself and that's not something I want to deal with. Please keep my little bean in your prayers.  He's only the size of an apple right now so he needs all the support he can get. ;-)

As each day passes and this baby gets closer and closer to being snuggled and smooched my heart grows bigger and bigger. We have a long and bumpy road ahead. Thank you again, friends and family!! You're the best!

Movin' along....

Sixteen weeks. I've been pregnant for 16 weeks. What a blessing.

Things have been getting much better on the morning sickness front. I've managed to avoid the toilet bowl blues for quite a while now. I still get nauseous from time to time and there are still foods I have to stay away from. But generally, I feel good. My newest aches and pains are my hips and pelvis. I get Sciatica pain pretty frequently, which Doc says is normal. He gave me some pointers and said I should try to stretch, daily, but not a lot. Yoga, here I come!!

Today's appointment was pretty uneventful for the most part. Heart beat is around 153, which is fabulous! I had a stressful few days at home with the doppler because the heartbeat was only registering around 140 or a little higher. It made me worry since little bean's heart rate has been in the 160's for so long now. Doc said 140 is still in the normal range and he's not worried. Whew! They did take blood again today, which I'm beginning to really dislike. Some of the girls are great at drawing and some are just terrible. I have pretty good veins....there should not be a bruise the size of a kiwi on my arm an hour after you draw. But thank you for being a nice person about it. That counts too. And the best thing I heard today aside from how good baby is doing...how skinny I am! Doc said he has the feeling I'm going to be aalllll baby this time! That's good news since I gained 75 lbs. with Gabe!!!

The last 16 weeks have been full of a lot of things, most of all, love. I think I have the biggest circle of friends and family than pretty much anyone on the face of the planet. Every single person in my life is so stinking special to me. I just love you to death! It's been a long, painful, sorrowful road these last few years and you've all made this journey so amazing for me. Finding out we were expecting again was not only a blessing but also created a familiar fear in my heart. I managed to hold on to my sanity and remain calm and optimistic for the first few weeks because let's face it, what choice did I have? As the morning sickness kicked in I was the perfect mixture of ecstatic and terrified. I knew it was a good sign, but I couldn't help but worry. I was pretty much miserable in that department for about 8 1/2 weeks. The most prevalent angels were the ones who had to suffer right along side me, Barry, Gabe and Caleb. Thank God for them. I know it was hard for them to see me like that but they smiled at me, hugged me, catered to me and did everything they could to help me and I'm eternally grateful for that. I recently found myself starting to worry about things that are beyond my control. The Doctor's want to run so many tests when you're expecting, some of which I have the option to deny. Maybe I could deny them all but I'm referring to the ones that test for diseases and disorders, things like that. Today I had the quad screen. It tests for Spina Bifida and chromosome abnormalities. I'm a little worried, I won't lie. I'm over 35 with a history of losses. I can't help it. Last week I had a horrible dream that I couldn't find the heart beat so the Dr. did an ultrasound and the baby stopped growing. I hate dreams like that!! I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive here. Some days it's harder than others. But today I'm grateful that everything seems to be going just as it should. Baby is good. Momma is good. Life is good. So thank you, to everyone in my life that played a part.

Although there are other hurdles in front of me, today's is the 4 week wait for the gender ultrasound. My dilemma? Schedule an elective gender ultrasound or wait until March 19th. I think I can find enough to keep me busy in the next 4 weeks to pass the time fairly quickly....but I want to buy something for my baby today!!!!!  Honestly, my intuition isn't that strong. I flip flop a lot. Most days I think I'm probably leaning toward another boy. Of course I would love to have a little girl. Especially since this is our last baby. My last baby. 19 years ago when I was giving birth to my first baby I swore he would be the only one. Then I saw his precious little face and swore I'd do it 10 times over if my body would let me. I meant every word of that. Whether I have a little princess or a little cowboy brewing, I cannot wait for the days when I can hold this little miracle, kiss their cheeks, listen to their adorable little sounds and watch them grow. I know a couple of big brothers and an awesome daddy that are pretty excited about it too! Not to mention Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and an army of other family and friends! All the pain, sickness, worries and wonders will all be worth it in about 165 days!!! Until then, let's countdown to March 19th!! Only 28 days to go!!!

Thank  you so much for being a part of my journey!!

My miracle....every step I take...

Well, I've made it to the second trimester!! Although there are still mountains ahead, I feel so relieved to have made it this far. This was one of the first mile markers for me so it feels wonderful!

The ultrasound went well. They weren't able to tell me the gender but baby was active and growing strong. Everything was measuring right where it should so we still don't know why my uterus was measuring big last time. Crisis averted. Miracle achieved. :-)

The morning sickness seems to have let up a little more this week. I'm getting my appetite back! I can finally drink water again, thank goodness!! While I was super duper sick, water tasted like...mud. I don't know how else to describe it. It was awful. I couldn't even chew ice because it left a very dry, salty, dirty taste in my mouth. I've cut way back on the Gatorade and have been drinking other things that have much less sugar. I figure it's about time to cut back on that. I remember how active Gabe was in the womb and I'm thinking genetics are uncontrollable...but I can limit the sugar intake! That kid never stopped, from conception to ....today!!! If you know my boy, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Lightening bolts. Electricity. Cat fight. Speedy Gonzales. Something like that. I'm wondering if this little bean will be as active. I can't wait to feel that first bounce. *sigh....

I'm still watching my portions though my tolerance has really improved. Last night I had spaghetti.  I don't know how smart that was. I think it's something in the sauce that baby just doesn't like yet. I did cook up some hamburger that I added to the sauce but I tried not to get any when I scooped up my serving. The red meat still doesn't sit well with me. Apparently baby is a vegetarian. Which is okay with me...except it makes it a little harder to plan meals in my house. What I need to do is have a salad every day. I absolutely love salad. And do you know that I couldn't eat that either a few weeks ago?!?! Red meat, pork, tuna fish, even some of the chicken I cooked hit me the wrong way. Ick.

Now that I've been feeling a little better I've been doing a little research about what kinds of exercise I can do. Right now, walking is about it. I haven't really done anything in weeks so I can't start with what I did before.  I guess I could throw a little yoga in there.  I just can't wait until spring hits and I can spend more time outside. Ah...I can smell the lilacs now....

Dr. says I have placenta previa. The placenta is completely covering my cervix as of last Friday. I have another appointment on the 19th to see if it moved at all.  Until then, I can't do much exercise anyway. He says rest and/or lay down as much as possible. And what woman does that? I work 45 hours a week and have a household to run. 'As much as possible' is the lovely 5-7 hours of sleep I get at night. If I'm laying down, who will cook dinner? Do laundry? Feed the dogs? Sweep the floor? Do the dishes? I guess they'll just have to figure it out. Apparently, it's early enough that as the uterus grows and the placenta grows, it will move up, away from my cervix. It grows toward the main blood supply, which is at the top of the uterus.  I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and soliciting prayers until then.

As good as I've been feeling I decided to start taking my extra vitamins again. I had been taking vitamin D and vitamin B on top of my prenatals. Doc thought it was a good idea. Well when I was puking my brains out every day I stopped taking them. I stopped taking everything except my prenatal. I even switched that to a gummie because I heard it was gentler. Same ingredients so I don't know how that works, but they were right. Much better. Anyway, after dinner I started not feeling well. Then I started feeling worse. Then I was curled up in a ball on my bed, tears in my eyes, shaking and I swore the hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) was back. I was soooo sick! I didn't throw up...but I was out cold by 9pm. I don't know if it was the spaghetti....or the vitamins. But it wasn't good. I've decided I won't be eating spaghetti or taking vitamin D or B until I talk to Doc on the 19th. That was just awful. I woke up feeling okay. I was able to eat some Cheerios. Haven't had them in ages...and man were they scrumptious!!

Aside from all the TMI that's been going on with my body and baby, I've also had some sciatic nerve pain in my left butt cheek. If I move a certain way I can feel it in my hip too.  I'm thinking it's just my hips adjusting to make room for my monster uterus.  I have round ligament pain from time to time...stretching and growing stuff.  But nothing incapacitating. It kind of reminds me of my dad and how no matter how I hurt myself when I was little his response was always, "Aw, that's just a growing pain!" I sure wish he was still around.  Mom too.  But I'm sure they aren't missing a thing up there! Along with Eekie and grandpa Runyan. I had a dream last night that was kind of weird, but Eek was in it. She was sitting on the couch (which was a daybed) in their trailer. I asked her why grandpa wasn't there but she never answered. There was a storm coming....a real doozie...but she just sat there, smiling, with that innocent, beautiful, youthful smile on her face, looking up at me as if to tell me there was nothing to worry about. My dad was outside....I thought maybe chopping wood or something?? My mom was reading poetry to my aunt Angie in a back room and someone was calming a crying baby somewhere. I could hear them, but I couldn't see them. I wish I could talk to a dream analyst about this one!! Although the dream was a little strange, I'm sure glad I got to sleep long enough to even have one. Lately it seems I'm up every hour or so to pee or re-position myself or get a drink.  Then I wake up around 330 and can't get back to sleep. Until about 5 minutes before the alarm goes off! Aahhhh!!!

And so the journey continues. I thought I was supposed to start liking being pregnant at this point. I don't dislike it. And I'm certainly overjoyed that I'm having another baby....finally! I just wish I could get some sleep, eat and not worry about tossing my cookies, wear some clothes that actually fit and walk without feeling like my hips were going to cave in on me. But I'll take all the discomforts and pains that come my way because in about 6 more months I'll be on cloud 9, smooching my baby from head to toe. Baby toes...oh....I just got butterflies in my tummy!! I can't wait!!